I | rebelliousoceannymph

My tan has faded,

I don’t believe in a hell and I don’t know what heaven is.

I feel like I’m sick of everything, I just want to be happy right now. Can he and I just meet please? I’m sick of waiting, of hearing all of the songs that say its going to happen, so let it happen already. He can probably hear me. I know I can hear him.

I have secrets, like everyone else does. I see things, things normal people can’t and its not my imagination.

Sometimes I wish I was a character in a story, the badass one who rebels her parents and smokes cigarettes, I’m tempted to get fake one’s that have no nicotine in them just to be like that. The girl who dyes her hair whenever she feels she must change herself and who wears a leather jacket and tight pants.

I envy her. I’m 18 and I don’t rebel against my parents. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink. I love my natural hair color. I own one pleather jacket and I’m searching for a real one, I wear tight pants. I only change when I feel I’m unhappy with myself.

I know what its like to be stepped on, torn, ripped apart. I’ve had my share of pain and sorrow but I never let it get me down, at least anymore. I can still smile when I feel sad but when I cry, I cry alone.

I can’t stand to have people watch me, see the salt water run down my cheeks, I just can’t. I’ve always dreamed that someone would take me away, comfort me when I’m sad and such but what good is wishing? what has wishing ever done for me?

I used to wish on 11:11 that my best guy friend would fall in love with me, that never happened. He has no interest and me and I guess I understand that, but he was the one guy who I actually thought was perfect, the one guy and now what am I too him? he has no time for me, I must have scared the guy away, even if it is the same thing over and over again.

He doesn’t understand that I was on the brink of suicide when he answered back, he told me I’ll never be alone, he saved my life, he saved me, I’ve never told him that he actually did and I’m sure if I told him now he’d freak out. Why does it take so long for boy’s to become men? but it doesn’t take long for girls to become woman? it’ll never make any sense to me.

Universe stop making a fool of me and reveal yourself. It’s been just me, Zoe, for about a year now, who is my sidekick? my partner in action? my better half? huh? can you even hear me down here, my heart has been screaming for a year now! a fucking year! the least you can do is bring him here!

I’m so thankful for everything you do all the time, I’ve been asking and asking and getting silence from you and then you go and mock me with my own favorite love songs, after “I haven’t met you yet” played you put “in love with a girl”..

WHAT! and then “Fell for the woman just when I met her” came on and BOOM!

so let me meet him already!

let me fall in love, I’ve had no interest in the boys that have fallen for me so far, so where is this man? obviously he likes to look at the stars like I do. I’m not obsessing over the subject, I swear! I feel like I’ve just waited for so long and I know I have to wait now and be patient.

But I’m a VERY IMPATIENT WOMAN.

Key word – VERY.

But I don’t really want to get envolved with anyone till after the 27th because thats what my horoscope says.

You know I’ve seen three ghosts in my life.

I don’t care if you don’t believe in them, I’ve seen three.

The first was in second grade, she was sixteen and she was a maid up in our attic in the 1800’s and she died of scarlet fever.

The second was this year, right after my grandpas funeral, it was my grandpa, there was a storm happening then and its easier for the spirits to communicate with humans then, He was just standing in the hallway looking in my room while I was about to fall asleep, he looked just like he did in his casket only healthier. I could tell it was him by the jacket he was wearing and by the way he stood, he was smiling, then the lighting flashed and thunder clapped and I was under my covers. Then when I looked back he was gone.

The last one, is kind of funny actually, it happend this week, on Tuesday the nineteenth, it was three am and very dark, again another storm was happening, not as bad as the day of gramps funeral but yeah, I rolled over and I saw my dog, Madison, form when I was little, She was a Yorkie, I was there the day she died. My mom told me to hold her body, she died when I was in 3rd grade and so it was interesting seeing her like this. She was trying to get up on my bed, like small dogs do. After the lightning came, I was sad to see that she was gone.

There you go, my storys, my sweet bitter story’s.

My own parent’s don’t even know this much about me.

May the road rise up to meet you

May the wind be always at your back

May the sun shine always on your face

And the rain, fall softly on your fields

Till we meet again, we meet, again

– Irish prayer song

(It was my grandpa’s favorite)