You know
I guess you could say I’m a selfish giver
I’ll give you love even if your a flawed asshole
I’ll treat you with kindness even if you throw the word “bitch” in my face
I’ll respect you no matter what and put you first
that is what makes me selfish
I give people what they need
and I don’t expect a damn thing back
Like everyone
I have found myself wandering
I’ve made more then enough mistakes
and I’ll most likely make more
but this is just me
I have a lot of love and respect for myself
but I care more about other people
I’ve had time and time again
to be in love with me first
and yeah, I still am
I have my up days
and my down days
I have days where I laugh so much I cry
I have days when sometimes the only thing I feel like I should be doing is running
and I have had thousands of days where all I think to myself is
“why the hell am I the only me on this planet?”
“Where is that one person who is gonna be kick-ass enough to help me out so that I don’t feel like I’m not human?”
“Why am I alone?”
“Why do I make people leave?”
“Why do I cry tears from the ocean and not human tears?”
“Why do I feel crazy whenever I’m enraged?”
“Mother Nature, Why did you make me this way?”
the last one
is the one that I’ve asked the most
You know
I don’t know if I’m ever going to get what I want
I’m not sure if anyone is brave enough to give it to me
or maybe even has a heart big enough to just accept me
and try to understand what its like to be someone like me
and all my uniqueness
maybe I’m just not meant to have it
maybe “alone”
is where I’m suppose to belong?
I don’t know
hell if my dog was still alive she would help me out
she and I had a deep connection
both beaten somehow and escaped
she was my best friend
and she knew it too.
she stayed too she never left
even on her death bed she wouldn’t let go of me
even after I told her
“You can go Bella, sweetie, you can go be free of your pain”
I’m not going to lie
in fact I never do
but
I’ve often when in great pain
have wished for death
and all the time
I get a
“Zoe, it’s not your time to leave this earth”
As a kid
I had a bunch of tests done on me
IQ tests
ADHD tests
I was looked at for having depression
all these stupid things that I don’t have
and I don’t talk about this much
but I was born with a hole in my heart
surgery done when I was two
could that be the reason I am so completely not average?
No.
I was just born this way
I was born to see and hear things average humans do not
I was born to feel more then the average human
you know what finally happened to me today
after 10 years of no acceptance, love shown or support from my father?
I have his acceptance, he is proud of me
and he hugged me today for the longest time
my Daddy hugged me
I’m still not ready
to trust him entirely
but I’m going to have to do that
I don’t need any man to make me happy
even though falling in love would be glorious
and knowing how much I’m cared for
and getting those compliments
and going on adventures
and sharing dozen’s of kisses
that would be great
and I am ready for it now
completely ready
but I miss my best friend
and I don’t know how long its going to take me to get over her passing
maybe a few weeks?
yeah, that sounds about right
and my heart is healing
at just the right pace.
Today even though the weather was crappy
and I had my glasses on and I had been feeling not-so-good
all day
I still feel pretty and beautiful
I’ve felt that way before many many times
but not like this
for the first time in a long time
I recognized that fucking sexy face of mine
and after that
I know now that I always will
no matter what mood I’m in
and I don’t need makeup
I don’t need much
I don’t even wear
eyeliner anymore
just lipstick and I’m done
I think every woman should feel like that
I have lost a lot
this past year
and I’m sure a lot of you have too
but I want you to know something
never give up on your dreams and your talents
no matter how cheesy that sounds
you can do anything
I promise you
if you can’t do it the first time
try try again
that’s what Taylor Swift is doing
and I don’t regret saying that I’ve been doing the same
“he’s the one”
“no, he’s the one”
Honestly I think whoever he is
he wont know it
and I wont know it
he wont be who I expect and I wont be who he expects
but something about me
is going to make him realize that
maybe he doesn’t need anyone else
because loosing me would break more then his heart
it would break his soul
there is no “one”
or a “prince charming”
that person that stays with you
chooses that path
and it’s your choice wither
you end up taking a chance on them.
I do wish that I knew that two people could be happy forever
but forever isn’t the right word for anything
forever fucks things up
“Always”
now that’s a word that means more
but putting them together never works
so I choose “Always”
by itself
You wanna stay then I hope that you stay always
forgive my nerdness
but if your a Harry Potter Fan
and you’ve read the books
watched all the movies
you will understand the symbolism behind
“always”
that book may not be reality to some people
and it may be reality to others
but it still has meaning
it shows how
love
always stays
and fools always go
rebelliousoceannymph 