first love | rebelliousoceannymph

I want to be someone’s last

I’m done being someones first

someones second

and any number higher then that

just let me be someones last

by last I mean last love

I don’t care if it does sound silly

I’m just sick of always being the first love

I mean obviously I change peoples lives quite easily

but I’d like it if

someone could just see themselves marrying me

or being with me for the rest of their life

I see no desire in just hooking up

with no emotional connection

it hurts me quite a lot when I do that

and I don’t want to do anything like it again

People expect me to act like society does

and want to just fuck with tons of different people

but I want monogamy

why is that just so hard to find now?

I mean now a day’s people just want flings or hook ups

they don’t even try to make it last

I want something that’s gonna last a very long time

with no heartbreak

I want commitment

and for someone to try with me

and to never give up on me

I don’t care if I have to wait for it

I can wait three years

and no more then three

what is it with some guys and not wanting to settle?

my parent’s got divorced when I was seven

so I’ve always always always wanted the complete opposite of them

I mean they fought all the time

and they still strongly dislike each other today..

I want the opposite of that

I never want to make their mistakes

I used to want a love like my grandparents

meet the person I’m suppose to be with wen I’m young

I had this idea in my head that I would know

who I’m suppose to be with when I’m 19

and he’ll like me the entire time

but I’ll just best-friend-zone him

and then on some cheesy holiday

he’ll do something nice for me

and I’ll realize

oh shit it was him all along!

but then again sometimes things don’t exactly turn out that way..

I do think that if I’m suppose to be with someone he will know as well as I

only most likely he will know more then I do

although he probably already does

telekinesis would be so useful right now

I wonder if he recognized my voice like I recognized his..

okay I shouldn’t speak anymore of this

my blog posts before have

“demolished” and “wrecked” certain things in my life..

I’d rather not have that happen again

You know the song “Mine” by Taylor Swift?

well that’s what I want

“Braced myself for the “Goodbye.”
‘Cause that’s all I’ve ever known
Then you took me by surprise
You said, “I’ll never leave you alone.”

that right there

I’ve never had anyone

understand me like he does

to be honest

no one has ever really tried

and I can’t fuck this up

I guess I just hope he feels it too

this connection that we seem to have

and I’ve never had a connection like this before

it’s pretty damn intense

it’s best to be friends first

then we’ll see

I want to talk “if’s” here

but that’s not going to happen

I’ve already said enough about it

I wonder how much of my past he knows

to sum it up my childhood sucked from 7+

I ran away from most things

nobody really knows how to protect me

and I often felt like I was hard to love..

I was never a normal kid

my own power scared people

I often scared people

all these stupid tests done on me like I was some experiment

just to find out why I was acting like I was

things would just happen and I’d get hurt

or I’d hurt myself

no one could protect me

I often felt like no one wanted to

I practically raised my sister

I protected her

My dad remarried

then divorced four years later

at that same time he was seeing another woman

I’ve moved 11 times in my life

that’s way too much

in all of those 11 houses

I have never felt at home

the only place where I feel at home is out in the wilderness

or by a lake or a river

it’s been 19 1/2 years of my existence

I have been searching for someone to understand me

and actually care like he does

wither he’s just a friend or more then one

I hope he knows just how much this means to me

I’m no longer a sad little girl but sometimes I feel like one

I put walls up to see if anyone will be brave enough to break them down

to see if they will be smart enough to know who I am

and strong enough to just care about me

I’m not always an easy person to be with

in fact sometimes I make it quite a challenge

and for some insane reason

he’s passed every one

I can’t pick a fight

he won’t let me

I can’t make him hurt me

he won’t do it

and I’ve changed too much to be stupid and pressure him

So I really couldn’t do anything that would make him leave?

and he couldn’t do anything that would make me leave?

That’s quite a bond

obviously I haven’t chosen to over think it

too much of that just wrecks things

and I’m done with things being wrecked

especially my heart

and my brain

no more of that

ever

I wish I could say what my future looks like

but I’m not going to

Mother Nature works in interesting ways

to be quite honest

I believe that even if I did see him at his worst

I’d stay

I admire him that much

I wonder if he would stay even if he saw me at my worst

most people just flee..

even my own family gets freaked out

You know

I’ve helped him out a lot in the love department..

I’m still not entirely sure why he picked me

but I guess a woman with her passion for love may be best at giving out advice of that kind

but I only just found out what real love is recently

all those miserable bastards that broke my heart over and over

taught me all about it

and they also taught me how to finally fall in love with myself

and then sure enough

after all of that negative

here comes something positive

BIG positive too

I just hope that he can see me

that I have been here all along

even if we

haven’t met yet

yeah

it’s a bit scary

good scary

and frightening scary

It doesn’t have to happen now

I’m not pushing for us to be together now

I can wait

I waited before for him to see me

I can wait for this

again I refuse to say “If’s”

Things will just happen on their own

and they kind of already are

so I don’t feel as if I need control

Just go with the flow and make good decisions

Still waiting on someone to just call me and talk to me for a long time

(Hint! hint!)

rebelliousoceannymph

Tag Archives: first love

Senior Prom

Whole

Tell Me if You Need a Loving Hand To Help You Fall Asleep Tonight