REGRET LOOSING ME

You’re going to wish
You never let me go
When you see
How far I’ve gone
For sure
My success
Will make you
Jealous
You will see me
In the future
And just
Regret it all
A few years
From now
I’ll be signing
Autographs
At the mall
The pain you
Caused me
In the past
Will only
Make me stronger
My hair
Will be longer
Happiness
Will forever
Be in my path
And you’ll feel
The wrath
And rush of sadness
Only then
Will you beg
For me back

Nymph Out of Water

Can’t
Commit
To loving
Someone
Right now
Half the time
I don’t know
How
Visions
Of the ocean
Where am I
Going?
Brown hair
Turned
A lovely
Mahogany red
Brown eyes
Turned green
As the grass
By the sea
Scars
Still wounded
Numb of pain
Maybe I am
Insane
Bangs don’t
Fall
Straight
Heart hurting
Where is my fate?
Soft breeze
Messed up
Feet
I know who
I am but
Why is it
That it’s
Always about
Them?
Born of fire
Birthed at sea
Maybe the person
I’m running from
Is me

Too Afraid to Open Up, Maybe Someday I’ll be Enough

Heart broken
Too many times
So many stupid guys
Tears shed
For loss of another
Rigid past
Gone smooth
You don’t listen
To a woman
When she’s told you
“I’ve been abused”
No they want sex
Just like before
One after the other
Walks out the door
Legs and feet ache
For a cure
Questions asked
Feelings felt
All she can see
Is the blackness of his belt
Blood splattered
Seventeen
Years old
She was just
A child
Rejection takes it’s tole
One tally after another
The warrior
Feels helpless
Unappreciated
Disrespected
For she is always
Unarmed
With nothing
But her heart

Swearing Sailor on The Other Line

Ex boyfriend
Begged for me
Back
An hour ago
I told him no
I said
My past is behind me
I don’t belong in your bed
Someday someone
Will care for me
Like you never did
Instead of scars
I’ll be given kisses
And we will look
At the stars differently
Then when you and I did
While sitting in your car
My vagina
Is no sanctuary
For any arrogant dick
I want a genuine man
Full of sweetness
With confidence
Not doubts
No man is perfect
I know that for sure
I’ve been alone
A long time
I suck at waiting
But someday the right one
Will know
And whoever he is
He will have enough
Balls
Not to just go

Jumbled Thoughts

Frozen dreams
Nothing is
What it seems
Heart still aches
Eyes are weary
I doubt he can even
Hear me
No one
To trust
Everyone telling you
You must
Minty breath
Nothing left
Who will be
The one
To save me

Lonely Painter

“It’s not fair” she said with a sad ache in her heart 

A lot of the time it felt like 

her world was falling apart 

she had been called names 

since she was small 

and often felt like 

no one cared at all.

Inhaling the emotions 

and energies 

of those around her 

has always been a 

challenge 

Outbursts of anger 

would often occur 

from all the unhappiness

of others that consumed her

Her soul of

purity and positivity 

can be hard to darken 

but often others choke her 

with their problems 

unaware of the powers she posses 

she can’t just 

“get over it”

or 

“move on”

after such an attack 

the pain takes over 

for as long as it must 

until she pushes it 

so far that she has to run

being this way 

isn’t always fun 

If you understood 

which you most likely won’t 

You’d see a beauty in her 

other people don’t 

 

 

 

If You Turn Your Back I’ll Be Waiting to Fly

To tell someone you feel nothing for them 

is a harsh thing

and it sucks more then anything to hear

I always tell myself that people like me 

not like crush on me like me but more like they don’t dislike me 

and I know I do things that are real

and often that scares people 

I’m well aware that my realness frightens people 

humans are used to fake generic people 

who wear to much makeup and aren’t 

who they say they are 

but I’m very true to myself 

and the fact that I often have confidence 

may also come as a shock 

since men are so naive to think that 

pretty girls should be stupid 

and that they should cry all the time 

dumb assumptions like that 

you can judge me all you want 

you can avoid me 

you can think you know me 

because I’ve told you a lot about me 

but let me tell you something 

there isn’t one woman out there 

who is as much me as I am 

not one of them is like me 

and I’m a pretty hard person to find 

sure you can spot me in a crowd 

but you will not have the guts to talk to me 

I’m aware of how “deep” I can be 

I only say things like that because 

I live everyday with meaning 

do you know why I do that?

because I don’t know when it’s my turn to leave this earth 

often times I thought I would die 

especially when I was younger and going through some crazy shit 

I thought everything was my fault because I’m so different then everyone else 

but the reality of it all is that 

I’m always going to be different 

I’m always going to stick out like a sore thumb 

God created me this way 

He made me 

Hard to understand 

full to the brim with more then enough love 

an admirer of humans 

Odd 

Men are so stupid

who is going to be the one guy to change that view for me?

or how about the fact that most are all the same? 

All they do is care about themselves 

there is not one sensitive bone in their bodies! 

You assholes don’t even try to get to know the girl who is crazy about you 

you just go ahead and tell her you don’t like her 

she tries really hard for you 

you wears classy dresses 

adds a little more makeup on to her pretty face 

but your all too stupid to notice 

because you don’t care 

woman give birth to baby’s 

men don’t 

and you go and just disrespect her 

after all that she did

men need to learn to appreciate woman more 

because we do a whole fucking lot 

and your stupid to make her do all of the work 

Maybe I’ve got some things I need to work on 

maybe I’m a little fucked up

but so are all of you 

I say “please” 

I say “thank you”

but you are never going to get a girl

if your not thankful for what you have already 

I’m real sick of rejection 

I’ve just about had it 

IM A NICE GIRL! 

IM A GOOD GIRL! 

I wouldn’t hurt a fly 

and I only kill spiders when my sister 

or mother screams at me to kill it 

since I’m not afraid 

UGH 

I’m too nice to give anyone the silent treatment 

I’m still confused 

I’m sorry but our situation makes no sense to me 

I’m usually real good at figuring guys out but you 

Dude, I just do not get it 

I stopped my overthinking 

and taking in so much detail 

but this doesn’t make any sense 

you can tell me a million times 

you feel nothing 

you’re not interested 

but my gut is being stupid 

and saying there’s hope 

but I don’t understand any of it.. 

I don’t understand 

when you speak to me I hear admiration in your voice 

is that you just being nice too? 

Do you think of me like everyone else?

Do you think of me at all?

I do make you laugh

I really wish I knew all the answers 

I wish you’d give me some answers

What’s it going to take for me to just be something to you?

or for you to trust me?

would you dislike me even more if I said I miss you? 

I don’t know why I have hope 

your the only one who was there when god saved me..

doesn’t that count for something?

you stayed on the phone with me too

there is no way I’m going to let myself feel like this tomorrow 

but you can be sure 

I’m going to show you what your missing out on

It is a pretty big loss for you to not feel a thing for me 

I’ve said it twice or three times now 

I sure hope someday it’ll settle in your mind 

Sorry I’m ranting 

I don’t usually do this 

none of it makes any sense 

I’m never really all that wrong about these kinds of things 

I didn’t do anything wrong 

I just overthought a bunch of small actions 

which in my eyes were suppose to mean something.. 

I thought nice guys meant things like that 

but then again 

jerks can often pretend to be nice guys 

or most nice guys are just sorta insensitive 

then again 

I know of no man who has a sensitive bone in his body 

well that is a depressing fact 

haha wow that is depressing 

Well I pray that someday someone will change that for me 

show me there is at least one guy 

who can cry big tears 

or smile with incredible happiness 

no more numbness

ugh

I strongly dislike anger

I’m just flat out mad and disappointed

 

I would thoroughly enjoy snapping at someone

and then running away

 

but this too shall pass

just like me incredibly stupid feelings

for YOU!

 

WHY DO I LIKE YOU SO MUCH?

ohhhhh myyyyy hollllyyy cowwww

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ughhhhhhh

you do not even remotely deserve to know why I have a crush on you

so I’m not going to tell you

I’m not telling you anymore secrets either

you can work to gain that

 

I will talk to you

but everything else you can ask me about

why?

well because your makin me feel this way

and ive asked plenty so it’s your turn

wanna be friends?

then prove it

I’m used to people leaving and not being here for me

and I’m used to them ditching me after saying they are my friend

so you wanna do that then sure

I don’t get why you want me to text you and call you still when you don’t like me

I bet someday you will though

and I will drive you crazier then you do me

just wait

it’ll happen..  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Stay Johanna, The Way I Dreamed You Were,

Today I took public transportation home

from work

I had my headphones in

but the music wasn’t exactly that loud

since I sort of keep it at a good volume

a mother got on the bus

with her beautiful little blonde girls

then as everyone else got on

there was this woman

who was sitting near the front of the bus

touching the wall with one hand

she was talking to it I think

or something she saw

that everyone else couldn’t

then like any other human

I made small assumptions

like

“she’s probably done a lot of drugs”

“She probably lives on the street”

but something told me none of those could be true

something told me

it was wrong to think that way about her

about anyone

I felt she was no different then I

just because I couldn’t see what she was seeing

doesn’t mean it wasn’t there

get it?

I don’t think she is crazy

doctors diagnose things to gain money

not one of us is normal

or even close to normal

I don’t mind labels much anymore

but stereotypes and assumptions

I cannot stand

I do notice every little detail

and I do think too much

when I feel I must

I love noticing things other humans don’t

I’m aware that some think I’m unintelligent

but I read books

I learn from others

I say things

hoping they wont blow up in my face

I put myself out there

in hope that I can make an impact

on someone else’s life

I don’t care if you weren’t looking for me

I don’t care if your not interested

I will leave my mark on you

or on your life

I did not pity this woman on the bus

I had half a mind to go up and ask her who she’s talking too

but I felt it would be rude of me to interrupt her conversation

I think she’s like me

she may feel human (which I often don’t)

but I think her gifts are a bit more advanced then mine

I’ve only ever seen ghosts during or after sundown/sunset

I know people were looking at her with disgust or like she’s insane

I’ve gotten looks like that most of my life

the whole

“Your too different”

I’d like to feel less alone

I’m not saying I’m “lonely”

lonely means I’m sad I’m alone

I just said that

I’d like to feel less alone

I’d like to have one human being who doesn’t think I’m crazy

I know God doesn’t think I’m crazy

the lord gave me these gifts because he knew

that I am strong and that I’d get stronger

I’d like a companion

of some sort

friend, best friend, boyfriend, lover

just give me one person

who won’t judge me right away

or assume things about who I am based off my actions

or my looks

I want honesty

and loyalty

and passion

but above all

I would like care

and if its not too much to ask

maybe a love of some kind

Please let them not talk about themselves all the time

I know sometimes I talk about myself

but that’s only because

I want to know them

so I tell them about myself

no more assholes okay God

no more jerks who just want me for my body

no more men with big egos who care more about themselves then anyone else

no more men who worry about money in their pockets

no more men who don’t make time for themselves or anyone else

you give me humans who will always stay

no matter how hard life gets for us

and with that

my thoughts have trailed off yet again

you’ll most likely read my thoughts in the next post

Don’t Know Who You Are But I’m With You.

You know

I don’t know what got me to think

I’m an outsider to this world

but as I get older it does make sense

no ones really tried to understand

and even if they say that they do

they don’t

Yeah, sometimes I make my life harder

then it should be

Yes, I’m aware of my beauty

but what I dislike the most is being judged

and having others assume things of me

all because of the way I look

I’m overly sensitive

but I really don’t think

I desire that much

Sure

I’ve got multiple talents

I do everything artistic

literally I do

I’m just not a very good dancer

I have insecurities

I’ve got secrets no one knows

I’ve actually got a lot of those

but I’m not afraid to say what I think and feel

I do more things for people

and often when I do

I don’t get much of a thank you from anyone

Somehow I always seem to be treated like a doormat

when I opened up to my class once while we talked about relationships

a girl said to me “but your so sweet!!”

and she’s right

I’ve never asked for anything from the people I’ve been nice to either

I’m used to disappointment in relationships

and men only wanting me for one reason

the lust in their hearts

not actual love in their hearts

which I’ve dreamed of my whole life

ever since I was seven years old

and the greatest love story of my life

fell to pieces

the love of my parents

who now hate each other

I vowed I could never do that

I’d never get a divorce

I’d never fall out of love

so I fell for small gestures others did for me

or tiny glances

meaningless things to others

I took and made meaningful to me

I still hear that male voice saying “I love you”

and I realize that it’s god saying he loves me

but its more then one voice now

two different voices

I’m sure it’s not Jesus

since I know what he sounds like

but I assume its a call

from whoever is meant to have my heart

as faint as it may be

I still can hear it

I still want wings

more then anything

more then a lover to call my own

more then love itself

or fitting in

I wanna fly away

I don’t care if I fall too close to the sun

and plunge into the sea

I want wings

How come other people get held when they cry?

but anyone who has held me while I cried left?…

anyone who said they loved me.. left

any guy really

it’s like they convinced me they loved me and never meant it

I don’t want to be around anyone tomorrow

I want a week of isolation

Progress Of Seduction

Past memories
Broken
To you
My heart is
Open
You better be
What I’ve
Been hoping
For
Close the door
Kiss me you fool
Like your some kind
Of tool
I am your queen
Let me rule
I shan’t be bored
Keep admitting you care
And that you’ll
Always be there
Ill run my fingers through
Your hair
Make me your own
Overnight
Or at a show
Take me home
Love me so
I’ve been alone
For so long
I wish you’d
Grow for me
Don’t just call me
Zoe
Find another
Name that
You can lick off your lips
While I swing on your hips
Give me more
Then one kiss
Because I’m
Honestly a woman
You wouldn’t
Want to miss