Tag Archives: question

Unstoppable Force

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Why does letting go have to feel so unbelievably terrible? Every single time I have to let go of someone it’s almost as if my heart breaks a little bit each time. For some damn reason my eyes will not stop their tears, I find myself feeling so small.. like now for instance. I feel as if I’m just a mere being in the universe, so tiny, almost nothing even but that’s impossible because I am a someone, I do have purpose. So why do I feel as if I do not?

And it’s always the same humans who leave and come back. Always. I was told today by a thirteen year old that it’s their loss. I’m not sure if I believe that. My mind has been running in circles all day. Question after question to wondering what the answers are. Things like

Did I make the right choice? Have I been making the right choices?

Am I really that fucked up? Is love even real? Can true love exist? Why won’t anyone answer me? What can I do before I start playing the banjo?

How come my heart feels such a tug? Who is always saying “I love you Zoe”? Is it God/The Universe or someone else? Why does he love me? What does he look like? Why must I let go of those I always care so much about? Why in my past have people not seen how special I am? How come sometimes I can’t see it? What is my future going to be like?

Am I really human or am I something far greater? Why are my eyes this color? Why are they so often empty of the light that fills my heart? Why is it people do not hear me? Why must I always let them have what they want from me? Why do I find understanding and acceptance and trust to be the things most important to me?

I do not worry anymore. My eyes aren’t really in reality.. I’m not quite sure if my heart is either. I don’t need to be saved, I’m not sure if I need to be taken care of or loved, I just have this driving force to never give up. It has nothing to do with love or for my own self, it’s not hope either, it’s more like a dream really.. maybe dreaming is believing. I honestly could just be saying this because its 12 AM but everything could just be a dream.. maybe reality is made up, it’s for people who are afraid to dream so they make excuses for themselves saying that you need to wake up and get your head out of the clouds. John Lennon knew that. He must have.

So much has happened.. So many bad things..

And I have no idea how to end this post.. I think I’m going to be doing an all nighter tonight

Why must I never give up on things? or people? I suppose it’s because I feel like many people have given up on me and just left.. and though I may threaten to do so, to leave, I never really do because letting go is so hard for me.

Do any of you guys have trouble like I do? do you not? feel free to comment your experiences down below, I will not judge you, I just am curious about humans in general, drawn to them, learning about their experiences is always a remarkable thing to me.

-Zoe

The Lines To Say

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I don’t know why.. but of all people I’m telling you everything, things that I don’t usually tell people 

can you relate to what I’ve been telling you? are my questions too much for you? will you ever answer them? 

I guess I wouldn’t really know, but, it has been a long time since I believed someone truly cared for me and it’s very obvious with you, it’s genuine and truth with you, I have never known something like that where it’s just obvious how much someone actually cares and to me it looks like you care a lot, maybe more then you think? do you even know how much you care for me? will I ever know how much you care? 

I mean it is obvious that I want to meet you, get to know you, I don’t want to just be some random piece of furniture in your life, you know? I want to be more then just a girl who you talk to. I want to be a real friend or a lover to you. Doesn’t that mean anything? 

It’s like you want to know me on a such deeper level then anyone else has ever tried. I mean it just doesn’t make sense to me. Do you really see that I was here all along? I mean I never chose to leave, emotionally yes but I couldn’t handle the jealousy anymore and that feeling in my heart of feeling like you didn’t care a smidgen about me, do you know what it’s like having to listen to someone you can picture yourself with talking about how much they love another person when you try so hard to just be that person for them? but I just continued to keep trying hoping you would see me. 

I don’t know if I’m that dream girl or the girl you’ve always wished for and wanted, I don’t know that but if I am you should know. I still wait around for you, after a year of being without you I still wait, why? I really couldn’t say, I honestly don’t know. Am I not good enough for you? is that it? 

I will push you away. There will be parts of me that will scare you.  You think your bad? I most likely am the same, clearly to me you are more controlling then I and I’m sure anger can come more easily but I think that’s one of the only difference between me and you “bad” wise. Just like me you aren’t all that good at listening and you enjoy being the higher authority. We have good things and bad things in common. THAT IS A VERY GOOD THING. 

I know we don’t believe in some of the same things, I’m pretty sure your a hard-core atheist which means your not so open to believing in different things, I guess that goes for all atheist, no offence my friends. I don’t consider myself an atheist, I’m very spiritual, I’m very close to nature, I am that girl that looks past what people see as obvious, I am the girl who see’s dead people, you don’t have to believe me, you don’t have to believe anything that I say, you don’t have to take to heart what I believe or what I see. I don’t expect that. 

I wish you would just let me know in,even a little bit, more, so that I don’t have to feel like I’m just sitting here in the distance again. If your going to stay I am going to need you, there was never a time where I didn’t need you. You weren’t there for me before, but your hear for me now and you care a whole fucking lot now, I just don’t get it. What do you see in my now that you didn’t see before? and why can’t you tell me? what are you waiting for? 

I try not to plan things anymore, I can understand this whole gaining respect for me thing and being friends and all, but I can’t see why you care for me so much now, you really care a lot don’t you? to me it looks like you might almost be…passionate about caring for me or me. Is that true? 

Passion is something I can sense easily since I myself am filled to the brim with it. I hope I’m not being to forward here but I see plenty of it coming from you. No man has ever talked to me like you have, I mean it, no one, I’ll admit that your words have not brought tears of joy to my eyes yet but I’m sure one day they could. 

Is it because I tried so hard to make you happy before? is that why you want to make me happy now? or should it just be obvious to me? should it all just be obvious? is it obvious to me and I just don’t see it? 

How can I confuse you when you’ve also been confusing me? what are we confusing each other over? 

That would be a good question to be answered. I’m still waiting on my questions to be answered. 

 

 

Questions With Nature

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“What do you feel Zoe? what is this hurt inside?”

“It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before, It’s like I’m numb, as if I’m almost disappearing. I was so happy before and for some reason, it’s like it dissolved almost into thin air, leaving me in this hurt that I never realized was there”

“Is this pain about you or someone else?”

“I honestly don’t know. My heart hurts from loosing people that I have loved, it hurts from being alone, it hurts because it hurts and I don’t know how long it will last. I feel like crying but I can’t and even if I do, no one will hold me”

“Don’t say that”

“I just want things back the way they were last summer, I want that all over again but it’s not going to happen, it’s over and fr some reason my feelings won’t leave me. For either of them, they just wont go away and it sucks because they don’t love me back and they probably never will. I’m not scared, I’m just hurt, so very very hurt that there isn’t one male in this world who can hold me in his arms while I cry. That’s all I’ve ever wanted was a shoulder to cry on and for someone to tell me it’s okay” 

“I know” 

“Do you think my life is easy? it’s not. I feel ten times as much as an average person, I hurt easily, I fall easily but where is that one person who will kiss me and give me that god damn love I’ve wanted my entire life? people and society today make the smartest people look like the outcasts and they put words on peoples foreheads like we don’t have feelings well fuck that. I may have natural boobs and I don’t wear much makeup all that often, I am smarter then what we call “average”, I do have confidence and I don’t enjoy partying or getting high, but that does not qualify me as any stereotype you choose to pin on my forehead, my interests and talents may be different then yours and sometimes I do care a whole fucking lot about other people then myself and I do treat others with kindness but you.. you cannot define me just by looking at my appearance or reading my poetry. I am a soul just a you are so you better watch your words, because a lie can cost you dearly. I always keep my promises but most boys who have yet to become men do not. So I beg you to please listen carefully and not be deceived by looks of charm. I have gained strength by every broken heart and terrible offensive untrue word that has been spoken to my pure heart and yes, I have been stupid to let men who don’t deserve me take a bite out of my purity only to have me reveal who they really are, which makes them run, so don’t you dare disrespect me and the power I possess, I am a true daughter of Eve and I can do what I please, I can see your future and what it does look like without me. You can’t get better after you’ve had the best”

“That all sounds about right. I don’t think you scare them away, I think that they just fall so deeply in love with you that they become afraid of what it could lead to with you and how they never would want to let you go. So they think if they break your heart they won’t like you as much or they just know that they don’t deserve you” 

“Shut up,I’m not over thinking this, or anything ever again and I still feel sad”

“You’ll feel better, somethings suppose to happen tomorrow night or monday night anyway” 

“I know, my guts been freaking out a lot..” 

“Good” 

“Yeah” 

Speechless (A Short Story)

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He was about to get into the car and just leave her, so completely disgusted with this arguing that happened so often, fear getting in the way but he took a deep breath and shut the door

a question appeared in his head and he spoke

“Why do you do this to yourself?”  he asked practically shouting in the rain

“What choice do I have? all people ever do is leave, so its better for me to just push them away” she remarked, the rain dripping down her body, sitting on the cold concrete steps, her hair in her eyes wearing nothing but that sexy baby blue nighty he gave to her

he hated it when she responded to his questions in question form and then made insecure remarks.

“But why? why do you hurt yourself like this? your too beautiful to be in such pain, I can’t bring myself to leave you, I can’t bare to see you sad or depressed or broken” he was almost on his knees, enchanted by her beauty, everything about her just was so..different.. in such a way a god would swoon

the way her hair turned to small wavy ringlets so naturally, her eyes of changing color and lips so lovely, the color of a pale pink moon, her pale ivory skin so delecate and smelled of warmth, butter cream and orange with small wifs of lilac, her body so small but capable of so much, she had muscles where no one could really find them, he studied her as she thought of an answer

“I let people hurt me and I hurt myself because I don’t know of any other way, all my life it has been about others, it’s always about others even if I try to make it more about me. I always end up being the one questioning if it was me, what I did wrong, so go a head and leave, it will make no difference” she snapped, viciously biting her lip till blood began to run down her chin

“Stop it!” he yelled “Don’t you dare hurt yourself physically, you said you were done with that, you promised” he shook his head, how much time he wasted just playing games with her heart, he regretted it so much now, she looked so helpless and hurt

“Oh and your going to stop me?” she asked, tears falling slowly down her cheeks, covering her face with sadness and pure determination

he didn’t know what to do, he felt so paralyzed, like he couldn’t help her but he knew he had to think of something, anything or she might be dead by morning, he moved closer to her, on the sidewalk now, just a little bit closer and she could be in his arms

“Your not are you? your not gonna stop me? you care too much about your own pride then you do of my heart” she remarked choking back tears

he didn’t know wither to touch her or just stand there waiting for her to stop this foolishness, all he could think of was to gaze at her, keep her eyes on his.. sometimes they could communicate that way

she looked down at her feet, just a small glace really and then took off running, no shoes, just running to where her feet could take her.

Down the sidewalk into the forest, out of the forest, to that secluded body of water and the bridge.

“Oh shit!” he thought, he knew she was going to do that, he just knew it! he ran after her, loosing sight of her when they hit the forest, “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!” he thought over and over again. There was no way in hell he could loose such a girl as her. No fucking way.

He thought for a moment, leaning against a tree for support, “where is her favorite place in the world besides Paris and England.. water, water, nature, The Victorian Bridge, she wouldn’t jump there is no way” he thought, making his way to the bridge as fast as he could.

she was naked, why was she naked? he didn’t know, wait, yes he did and of course there she goes, jumping into that clear water like an empress of the sea

washing away her pain..

she was going to have a fever after this and he would have no choice but to take care of her, but he liked it that way

she sang such an Erie song bathing in that water, releasing every part of her that was hurting, she thought for sure that he had given up on her, she felt he was gone, so she began to cry.

She would walk back alone, she knew it, that’s how it always happened. They would call 911 or tell her she was crazy and not even realize that she was human too and carried more feelings in her then your typical human being.

She started to get out of the water and as she looked up he was standing right there and gazing at her with wide open eyes, but not eyes of surprise more like eyes of wonder.

“What are you doing here?” she asked as her body began to shiver, her nighty nowhere to be found. She bit her lip as it started to turn purple, holding her naked body ever so slightly.

He sighed, smiled and kissed her tenderly, then gave her his jacket.

“is this a big enough explanation?”  he asked as he brought her body into his arms, picking her up and then he kissed her with all of his heart, no longer using half of it but all of it.

she couldn’t say anything, she just nodded her head. Speechless.

He walked them home.

Started a fire in the fireplace.

Covered her naked body with a blanket.

Then he decided to take his off too, they would put the blanket over their heads and tell story’s, never leaving out a detail, kisses every once and while, marking the connection between their bodies, soul and heart.

Never to fade.

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Where Do I Belong?

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I wrote this my junior year of high school, I never performed it. I was feeling lost and didn’t really have many friends. I’m not sure what else to say about it, it mean’t a lot to me then, knowing where to belong. I feel like I am finding my place in this world now. I didn’t really have to search to find it or who. I encourage you all to try your best not to question everything because when you get down to the bottom of it, the majority of the things that happen in your life happen for a reason. People stay because they are suppose to, and they want to, let them stay. They deserve to see you happy and you deserve to see them happy. There are no boundaries or rules in happiness.