I Think I’m Starting Over.

I think being a princess is overrated 

I think woman still don’t have enough rights 

I think men who think they know everything don’t know a damn thing at all

I think that snow can be a pain the ass unless you play in it 

as in making a snow man 

I think I’ve changed 

I think outbursts wont happen anymore 

since I’ve learned to control them 

I think I’ve started to really stick up for myself 

I think 

even though 

I’ve been bitter towards love recently 

I’m giving up at that attitude towards it 

and even though 

I don’t have much hope 

it’s really stupid to not think 

someone is out there for me 

who will love me 

or someone is already in my life 

its just a matter of time 

but I don’t need a boyfriend 

or anything like that 

I don’t 

you can call me selfish all you want 

for being independent 

but I’m telling you right now 

that is just fucked up to say anything that like 

I’m not selfish for providing and working hard for myself 

I don’t always have to think about other people 

I’ve been thinking about other people since I was seven years old 

do you have any idea how many years that is until now? 

that is 

THIRTEEN YEARS 

of thinking about OTHERS 

and not doing the thing that was best for me 

which is thinking about me 

and getting shit done 

and for gods sake getting rid of those emotional outbursts 

that hurt so many people around me 

but above all hurt me 

I’m fucking done hurting myself 

and I’m done with just giving people what they want from me 

none of that is allowed to happen

I shouldn’t even be talking about the outbursts because it’s in the past 

and I’m starting over

 

 

Unstoppable Force

Why does letting go have to feel so unbelievably terrible? Every single time I have to let go of someone it’s almost as if my heart breaks a little bit each time. For some damn reason my eyes will not stop their tears, I find myself feeling so small.. like now for instance. I feel as if I’m just a mere being in the universe, so tiny, almost nothing even but that’s impossible because I am a someone, I do have purpose. So why do I feel as if I do not?

And it’s always the same humans who leave and come back. Always. I was told today by a thirteen year old that it’s their loss. I’m not sure if I believe that. My mind has been running in circles all day. Question after question to wondering what the answers are. Things like

Did I make the right choice? Have I been making the right choices?

Am I really that fucked up? Is love even real? Can true love exist? Why won’t anyone answer me? What can I do before I start playing the banjo?

How come my heart feels such a tug? Who is always saying “I love you Zoe”? Is it God/The Universe or someone else? Why does he love me? What does he look like? Why must I let go of those I always care so much about? Why in my past have people not seen how special I am? How come sometimes I can’t see it? What is my future going to be like?

Am I really human or am I something far greater? Why are my eyes this color? Why are they so often empty of the light that fills my heart? Why is it people do not hear me? Why must I always let them have what they want from me? Why do I find understanding and acceptance and trust to be the things most important to me?

I do not worry anymore. My eyes aren’t really in reality.. I’m not quite sure if my heart is either. I don’t need to be saved, I’m not sure if I need to be taken care of or loved, I just have this driving force to never give up. It has nothing to do with love or for my own self, it’s not hope either, it’s more like a dream really.. maybe dreaming is believing. I honestly could just be saying this because its 12 AM but everything could just be a dream.. maybe reality is made up, it’s for people who are afraid to dream so they make excuses for themselves saying that you need to wake up and get your head out of the clouds. John Lennon knew that. He must have.

So much has happened.. So many bad things..

And I have no idea how to end this post.. I think I’m going to be doing an all nighter tonight

Why must I never give up on things? or people? I suppose it’s because I feel like many people have given up on me and just left.. and though I may threaten to do so, to leave, I never really do because letting go is so hard for me.

Do any of you guys have trouble like I do? do you not? feel free to comment your experiences down below, I will not judge you, I just am curious about humans in general, drawn to them, learning about their experiences is always a remarkable thing to me.

-Zoe

Nothing

Have you
Noticed
He can’t
Write
Songs
Or
Poetry
Without her?
It’s almost like
He doesn’t want
To forget her
Instead he
Puts his
Energy
Into
Imagining
Fucking her
Like a god would
But will he
Keep his word
And make
This magical
Night happen
Like they
Both have
Craved
And
Raved
About?
Or
Is he going to
Screw
Everything up
Once more
Making her
Angry
And
Hateful
Towards him
For leaving her
Once again
Waiting
On a frost bitten
Doorstop
To be taken
Into her fantasy
Only to
End up
With
Tears of
Pain
And
Sorrow
And
Feeling
Like
She is
Nothing?

More Then Enough Time

I don’t need to be in a relationship 

to be happy 

love isn’t everything 

but it is plenty of things 

I’m no longer obsessed with it anymore 

I’d like to know myself a little more 

do things for myself 

buy things for myself 

and if at one point 

the right guy shows up

then great 

but I’m not waiting for him

I’m not waiting for anybody 

you want to talk to me 

you talk to me 

I’m going to do what I want to do 

buy what I want to buy 

and nothing can stop me 

I am happy being single 

you wanna change that 

you work hard 

but right now 

I like being by myself 

I like being with myself 

I am the one for me 

whatever happens 

happens 

and I guess I’ll just let it happen 

since I need just need this time to myself 

for who knows how long 

get shit done 

you name it 

 

 

 

My Kisses Are Not Easily Won

Damn it..

I have a bad feeling 

or maybe it’s a good feeling 

FUCK

I think I’m going to see someone tonight 

someone from my past 

or from recent events 

FUCK….

I’d like to know who

but I’m not gonna know till it happens 

FUCK

FUCK

FUCK

I’m a bit nervous now 

if..

it ends up like my vision 

it could honestly be anyone 

of the two

if it doesn’t 

then.. 

oh boy 

FUCK

damn it 

shit..

well whoever he is 

he is going to have to apologize big time 

for his mistakes 

and then beg on his knees 

because I am going to ask 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

and I am going to need an explanation

and if it’s about us getting back together..

that may take some work

not a lot

 but some 

and your gonna need to prove it to me 

I know your going to be nervous obviously 

and so will I 

I’m done with people wasting my time 

so don’t over think this 

just confess 

I’d like to see you confess 

I mean it 

say everything 

because I’m not letting you off that easily 

so try really hard to get me back 

with your words and actions 

mostly actions 

it depends on who you are 

but your not getting a kiss right a way 

no sir! 

you gotta work your ass off for it 

and for me 

unlike last time 

if your who I think you are 

which is person 1 

or person 2 

so FUCKing work this time 

 

 

It’s Been Written in The Scars of Our Hearts

Why is it we accept what we think we deserve? 

I feel like it comes from events and insecurities

my mind has been wandering on this subject

I realize now 

that 

a lot of the time I honestly had no idea 

what I deserved 

it doesn’t matter if people were nice to me 

or if they tried to get closer 

or if they treated me like shit 

I would still push them away because I didn’t know

I actually know a few people who have gone through that same thing 

it’s the not knowing that can freak a person out 

I’ve had people play that card the whole

“I don’t deserve you”  shit 

I told you all I could spot an asshole in a second 

believe me 

but anyway’s

I know how scary it can be to not know 

to not even see that you do deserve what is right in front of you 

and what is going to happen to you 

but you’ve gotta take that first step

you’ve gotta let yourself fall 

things are much better then they have ever been for me right now

the past is gone 

I trust you

I know that this is different 

for us both

and probably a little weird

since we are so young 

and a connection

like we’ve got is something grand

I can’t promise you that we won’t argue 

because I’m sure we will sometimes

most likely less then before but yeah 

I can’t promise you that I wont miss you when your gone

but I can promise you 

that I will never intentionally hurt you

whoever hurt you before 

she is different then me 

just as you are different then who hurt me 

this is real

I am human and I do want to be with you

I tell you quite a lot 

I don’t see what is keeping us from moving forward 

and letting us just happen

I mean shouldn’t we be there already? 

everything is great 

everything is grand

let us 

fucking happen

I did hesitate to write all of this

but I have a big mouth sometimes

and a blog so where the hell do I write it? haha

I wish you’d call me “beautiful” 

just once that’s all I ask

I’m sorry that you are the one person 

that I honestly would dread 

loosing hope in

and your actually 

the first person besides

Ellen DeGeneres  

who can make me laugh and smile so much it hurts my face

that is saying a lot 

I think you saved me once 

was it you who said that it would be dreadfully terrible if I killed myself because then we wouldn’t have this connection?

then we discussed the afterlife? 

it was you wasn’t it? 

pretty sure you saved me from doing stupid things too

but I remember this most

Well I think your amazing

oh gosh look at the time

I should probably sleep

Goodnight