“It’s always been about you Ella! Always! I’m so fucking sick of it! you don’t even listen to what I say!” Harry said angry, practically gritting his teeth.
“That was then!” Ella spoke broadly, “This is now, don’t you see? I’m not who I used to be! You’ve helped change me in so many ways, I used to worry all the time and now I don’t worry at all, I was selfish and pushed you away Harry because I was scared, I was so scared about the way that you felt about me. It wasn’t about me when we were together, maybe for like a month but it wasn’t so I had no choice but to gain my own confidence and love myself, you think it was easy for me to have you walk away the exact night my life fell apart?” she had her head in her hands now, “I’ve been trying to make it about you now that’s why I ask you what you want whenever I can, yes, I still love you, I’m never going to stop loving you for exactly who you are, I don’t see an image Harry, I see the real you and I can’t live without you”
she sighed and took a deep breath in and out, then said quietly “It doesn’t matter to me what I want, what matters to me is you and what you want, I want to see you happy wither it’s with me or without me”
Harry’s eyes flickered, he looked at her then smiled. He didn’t know what to say, all of her words carried so much meaning, it would take a while for him to take it all in. He knew it would be incredibly rude of him to leave and walk out like he had before but he needed some space.
“I need to think about this, okay?” he said in a slight determined way, his hands were in his pockets now, his mind began to wander.
Ella nodded, she understood but first she felt the need to apologize and thank him.
“Wait.. I’d like to say a few more things if that’s okay”
“Yeah.. sure” he stopped and sat down on a park bench and listened.
“I’m sorry Harry for who I was with you, I’m sorry for pushing you away, I’m sorry for saying such harsh hurtful things, I’m sorry for only thinking about myself, I’m sorry for not being your kind of perfect, I’m sorry for accepting you for exactly who you are, I’m sorry I will always love you, I’m sorry for letting you see the weaker side of me, I’m sorry for not listening, I’m sorry for still wishing you could love me like I love you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry”
now onto the thank you’s..
“Thank you Harry for being exactly who you are, Thank you for coming back to me when I thought all was lost, Thank you for staying, thank you for teaching me how to be a better person, thank you for putting up with my words, thank you for showing me how to be relaxed, thank you for caring about me in such a way that you do, thank you, thank you, thank you”
All he could do was smile at that but he sure needed time to think, she always did things like this, filling his head up with thoughts.
He took a step back, waved and walked away.
Ella just sat there on the bench, she felt so scared, she couldn’t loose him again no way in hell could she ever do that, she felt her heart tense, it was like there was a balled fist in her chest, she didn’t think of any “what if’s” or “could be’s” her wants didn’t matter to her when it came to the subject of them. Only he mattered, she had tried so hard to get close to him again, not as lovers really but just to be close in general.
She did still care about him, more then she should mostly, she missed the feeling of his warm skin against hers, maybe she just missed him. He was the one man in her life she knew she could never stop loving..
in their relationship in the past, it seemed his lust for her faded and turned into just “caring” and her caring for him turned into a sort of love really, she accepted him for who he was even the parts that frustrated her, she still was very much attracted to him, what she remembered most was how they kissed each other, but she wouldn’t allow that to happen again if it wasn’t what he had wanted.
Harry had made many excuses when they were together and only letting them be a “thing” which Ella didn’t really feel she had to take seriously so she never considered it a “relationship”, they had only spent three official days together during their “thing” and never really went on a single real “date” which gave Ella plenty of doubts then but it crushed her even more when he left her.. they spoke of death together then and she had her heart broken quite badly. She felt the two of the three months spent with him were more about him, it was almost as if he had grown bitter and cold, he was different then when they had met.
Ella had her faults too, she couldn’t bring herself to trust him completely until after they made love and she began to feel safer, she had stopped pushing him away and saying harsh hurtful things but he left her anyway.
Later he had asked to be friends, but at first Ella couldn’t do that, she loved him too much so naturally she wouldn’t allow it and tried her best to avoid him until one day she realized she couldn’t live without him so she agreed it would be best.
Ella tried so hard to get over Harry and not care about him as much as she actually did but she truly couldn’t stop, she didn’t know why, the memory’s of she and he together stayed so perfectly in her mind, so real too, she knew he was going to be the one man she could never really ever stop loving.
Ella had gotten so worried that someone would steal Harry from her, she cared about him that much that it just freaked her out so bad, so she pushed him away over and over again thinking that would bring him closer but it only made her look less desirable to him.
Maybe Harry was afraid too. She thought, maybe he’s scared to loose her again or to like her again, she didn’t know, it was best not to assume things anyway but how she wished for him to just prove somehow that he cared for her, it didn’t matter if it was friendship or more or less, she just wanted to be some form of importance to him, she treasures him that much and what he thinks.
If only he could see that.
She never really understood why she angered him sometimes, she never meant to do any of that, to make him feel any less of who he was, it was never her intention to hurt him or anything of that nature, lessons learned.
For the first time in a long time, Ella felt herself kneel to the ground and ask mother nature for her help.
“Mother Nature” she said with her sing-songy voice, she sounded sort of like she was going to cry “Please let Harry know that I’d do anything for him, that I can’t loose him again, he means so much to me, it doesn’t really matter how much I mean to him but right now I’d like to mean something, he’s changed me for the better, he’s taught me so much, I love him for exactly who he is and I know I’ve made many mistakes but I need him here in my life, as a friend, less or more, give or take, I just want him to be happy and I want to be there to see him smile. Please help me, I don’t know what else to do” she got up then, tear stains on her cheeks.
She took off her shoes and made her way home, waiting for his answer to it all.
rebelliousoceannymph 