Ginger Soup

Unknown tears
Letting go
Of all fears
You are protected
This time
Someone cares
He knows you are there
Your heart
So pure
The assholes
Are not here
You are no longer hurt
Just relax
Your wearing
Your favorite shirt
You haven’t eaten
Or napped in a while
That would make anyone
Worry so go
And hurry
Eat something
Close those beautiful eyes
Calm down
Destress
Yourself

Hearing Voices & Difficult Choices

I keep hearing things
“I would never hurt you”
“I love you”
They are
Just whispers
But who is
Saying them
If nobody
Is there?
I sit in the quiet
Running
My hands
Through my hair
Stop the worried thoughts
Relax
Go paint
Instead of
Sitting on your ass

Talk-a-holic

Too many words 

You always say what’s on your mind 

I tried 

not to give a damn

half the time

but on and on 

you went 

no you wouldn’t 

shut the fuck up

you just told me 

every second 

every hour 

every minute 

of your day 

through the electronic box 

and Facebook

I really would rather not 

care to look

so if your going to write 

do it so

as best ya can

and 

try to write poetry 

or a story perhaps 

don’t waste your words 

on nothing 

for you could 

give anyone 

a relapse 

so please

quit it 

 

 

 

I Need Today

I need a few days to clear my head 

my confidence is quite low 

I’m not really in the mood to talk to many people 

just a few 

no more then that 

I wish I had someone who could tell me 

that everything is going to be okay 

and that I am good enough 

but right now I don’t feel that way 

I make a new friend out of the blue and am probably just saying all of the wrong things 

People have left my life 

I don’t have many friends 

I just need today to get my head together 

to let go of the bad things that have happened 

and move on 

I can’t be with the two people I care about most 

and they probably don’t want to be with me 

I’m sure the right person will come along 

I do love myself quite a lot 

and I respect myself 

I just need time 

I just need today 

I’ll be all better by tomorrow 

I’m sure of it 

🙂 

amazing things keep happening to me 

I keep wining these books 

and you know how I love books 

well 

I keep getting them! 

this is like the second time 

I’ve won a book! 

I got a bunch of candy yesterday too 

and I got to go shopping a while ago 

I got such beautiful things

I’m so thankful for everything that I have 

and my new friends 

and people that have stayed by me through everything 

especially you guys 🙂 

I have been a complete mess on this many times over 

and more of you just keep following my blog 

I’m so thankful to all of you 

you truly inspire me 

and I’m glad to know I’m never truly alone 

even if my fictional characters can sometimes understand me more then regular people 

I still have people in my life who care 

they don’t have to be written in a story

someday I’ll come fast to face with a man

who want’s true love just a much as I do 

I recently realized 

that much of my words make people speechless 

and I’ve been told it comes with the beauty factor 

but I just say what’s on my mind 

and how I feel 

so

I don’t quite understand 

I use kindness with everyone 

even those said who do not deserve it 

I see good in everyone 

some more then others 

I’ve gotta go eat lunch 

talk to you later 

 

That Was Then, This is NOW (short story)

“It’s always been about you Ella! Always! I’m so fucking sick of it! you don’t even listen to what I say!” Harry said angry, practically gritting his teeth.

“That was then!” Ella spoke broadly, “This is now, don’t you see? I’m not who I used to be! You’ve helped change me in so many ways, I used to worry all the time and now I don’t worry at all, I was selfish and pushed you away Harry because I was scared, I was so scared about the way that you felt about me. It wasn’t about me when we were together, maybe for like a month but it wasn’t so I had no choice but to gain my own confidence and love myself, you think it was easy for me to have you walk away the exact night my life fell apart?” she had her head in her hands now, “I’ve been trying to make it about you now that’s why I ask you what you want whenever I can, yes, I still love you, I’m never going to stop loving you for exactly who you are, I don’t see an image Harry, I see the real you and I can’t live without you”

she sighed and took a deep breath in and out, then said quietly “It doesn’t matter to me what I want, what matters to me is you and what you want, I want to see you happy wither it’s with me or without me”

Harry’s eyes flickered, he looked at her then smiled. He didn’t know what to say, all of her words carried so much meaning, it would take a while for him to take it all in. He knew it would be incredibly rude of him to leave and walk out like he had before but he needed some space.

“I need to think about this, okay?” he said in a slight determined way, his hands were in his pockets now, his mind began to wander.

Ella nodded, she understood but first she felt the need to apologize and thank him.

“Wait.. I’d like to say a few more things if that’s okay”

“Yeah.. sure” he stopped and sat down on a park bench and listened.

“I’m sorry Harry for who I was with you, I’m sorry for pushing you away, I’m sorry for saying such harsh hurtful things, I’m sorry for only thinking about myself, I’m sorry for not being your kind of perfect, I’m sorry for accepting you for exactly who you are, I’m sorry I will always love you, I’m sorry for letting you see the weaker side of me, I’m sorry for not listening, I’m sorry for still wishing you could love me like I love you, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry”

now onto the thank you’s..

“Thank you Harry for being exactly who you are, Thank you for coming back to me when I thought all was lost, Thank you for staying, thank you for teaching me how to be a better person, thank you for putting up with my words, thank you for showing me how to be relaxed, thank you for caring about me in such a way that you do, thank you, thank you, thank you”

All he could do was smile at that but he sure needed time to think, she always did things like this, filling his head up with thoughts.

He took a step back, waved and walked away.

Ella just sat there on the bench, she felt so scared, she couldn’t loose him again no way in hell could she ever do that, she felt her heart tense, it was like there was a balled fist in her chest, she didn’t think of any “what if’s” or “could be’s” her wants didn’t matter to her when it came to the subject of them. Only he mattered, she had tried so hard to get close to him again, not as lovers really but just to be close in general.

She did still care about him, more then she should mostly, she missed the feeling of his warm skin against hers, maybe she just missed him. He was the one man in her life she knew she could never stop loving..

in their relationship in the past, it seemed his lust for her faded and turned into just “caring” and her caring for him turned into a sort of love really, she accepted him for who he was even the parts that frustrated her, she still was very much attracted to him, what she remembered most was how they kissed each other, but she wouldn’t allow that to happen again if it wasn’t what he had wanted.

Harry had made many excuses when they were together and only letting them be a “thing” which Ella didn’t really feel she had to take seriously so she never considered it a “relationship”, they had only spent three official days together during their “thing” and never really went on a single real “date” which gave Ella plenty of doubts then but it crushed her even more when he left her.. they spoke of death together then and she had her heart broken quite badly. She felt the two of the three months spent with him were more about him, it was almost as if he had grown bitter and cold, he was different then when they had met.

Ella had her faults too, she couldn’t bring herself to trust him completely until after they made love and she began to feel safer, she had stopped pushing him away and saying harsh hurtful things but he left her anyway.

Later he had asked to be friends, but at first Ella couldn’t do that, she loved him too much so naturally she wouldn’t allow it and tried her best to avoid him until one day she realized she couldn’t live without him so she agreed it would be best.

Ella tried so hard to get over Harry and not care about him as much as she actually did but she truly couldn’t stop, she didn’t know why, the memory’s of she and he together stayed so perfectly in her mind, so real too, she knew he was going to be the one man she could never really ever stop loving.

Ella had gotten so worried that someone would steal Harry from her, she cared about him that much that it just freaked her out so bad, so she pushed him away over and over again thinking that would bring him closer but it only made her look less desirable to him.

Maybe Harry was afraid too. She thought, maybe he’s scared to loose her again or to like her again, she didn’t know, it was best not to assume things anyway but how she wished for him to just prove somehow that he cared for her, it didn’t matter if it was friendship or more or less, she just wanted to be some form of importance to him, she treasures him that much and what he thinks.

If only he could see that.

She never really understood why she angered him sometimes, she never meant to do any of that, to make him feel any less of who he was, it was never her intention to hurt him or anything of that nature, lessons learned.

For the first time in a long time, Ella felt herself kneel to the ground and ask mother nature for her help.

“Mother Nature” she said with her sing-songy voice, she sounded sort of like she was going to cry “Please let Harry know that I’d do anything for him, that I can’t loose him again, he means so much to me, it doesn’t really matter how much I mean to him but right now I’d like to mean something, he’s changed me for the better, he’s taught me so much, I love him for exactly who he is and I know I’ve made many mistakes but I need him here in my life, as a friend, less or more, give or take, I just want him to be happy and I want to be there to see him smile. Please help me, I don’t know what else to do” she got up then, tear stains on her cheeks.

She took off her shoes and made her way home, waiting for his answer to it all.

Sweet Nothing.

I feel like nothing 

I am no longer sad 

it’s like when someone is in the hospital

connected to that heart beat thing

and it just stops

__________________________

nobody is really talking to me right now

and that’s okay

I’m stressed and concerned

I can’t loose the guy that I like

who knows me better then anyone else does

R thinks a lot more then I do

like deep thought

and I guess I am desperate to see him again 

I want a kiss from him 

more then anything right now 

I’m putting all of my hope into

the situation he and I have right now 

but I’m still not sure 

If I can wait for him 

or if he’s going to wait for me 

I do still very much want to be his last 

I hope everything’s okay 

I mean I’ll see him at one point before he goes 

I hope 

do you think I’m hoping too much? 

I just don’t get how I get into these types of situations 

man do I really need a few days 

thank god I’m not the only one who feels like this sometimes. 

 

 

 

Be Mine in Time

I have been sneezing 

and or itching my nose all day

I hope I have been saying the right 

things while your off thinking

I should probably stop talking about this 

yeah I probably should

I mean

I mean your staying anyway

so I probably should shut up

well I’ve gotta get art supplies 

I almost said 

eat art supplies 

haha 

Wow 

I should probably try my best to sleep more now

yeah that would be a good idea

Well I’ll be seeing you soon hopefully 

and I’ll be able to kiss you and what not 

so that’s good

just take your time 

don’t rush yourself

I’m gonna do some things 

so take your time

I care about you

so take your time 

 I can wait 

I shall relax 

yup yup yup

I’ll try not to always focus on this situation

I’ve been listening to poetry 

it helps 

I wish I could read yours 

and guess what is going through your mind 

I will wait 

I will wait 

 

Waiting Waiting Waiting On My World to Change

I can wait for good things to happen to me 

lately that’s what I’ve been doing 

I haven’t been sitting on my ass all day 

I’ve been trying to find a job 

waiting to see if I got into my number one school

writing and doing art 

I might be a scarf model 

(I’m not giving up on modeling, it’ll be more like a hobby instead of a dream so I’ll just do it once and a while) 

I’ve been taking care of others mostly 

so the usual 

but as I was saying 

I can wait 

I can be impatient 

and what not 

but I guess I see no harm in waiting 

besides its very much worth waiting for 🙂 

I guess I have been making the mistake of pressuring 

and I’m sure that’s not very helpful 

nor is acting needy 

I won’t bring it up anymore 

even though you should know what I want 

I’ll give you time 

as much as you need

my gut tells me 

nothing but the word 

SOON 

however long that is 

but if my intuition is wrong 

and I’ve gotta wait longer 

then soon

so be it 

I have no complaints 

I can wait

never ask the internet for advice 

on your love life

like honestly 

it wont help you

you’ve gotta figure it out yourself 

I’e decided 

I’m going to take a dance class and a cooking class

at some point 

as well as 

getting my licence

I’ve also been trying to be more relaxed

and meditate more 

and defiantly drink more tea 

I’m pretty lucky though

because 

I’m getting pretty comfortable with myself 

so that I am ready for a relationship 

I’m almost ready 

so that’s good 

I know what I want 

and who I want 

and I can and I will 

wait 

 

 

 

 

Three Little Birds

I’m amazed at how I honestly 

have 

stopped? 

yeah 

stopped

worrying 

like this time 

its actually worked 

and I honestly have nothing to worry about 

like at all

and I’m sure 

after this time 

spent apart

things will be better when we are together

and we will both be our best “regular” selves 

this whole 

no worrying thing 

is a big accomplishment for me 

I mean I know things are going to turn out fantastic 

there is no negativity happening here

obviously 

I am just sipping my tea

and being merry 

enjoying my favorite 

cooking channel show 

Eat St. 

as well as eating cupcakes 

okay I’ve had like 4 

already 

and I always lick the frosting off first 

there’s a fun fact 

about me 

oh god I love tea

alright 

time to relax 

and be comfortable 

I miss him so 

😛 

 

 

Everything is Better Then Before

I’m not sure if I have much to say today

its my dad birthday 

not excited 

Umm 

I realized last night that 

I don’t have to question everything anymore 

things will always turn out okay 

I’m so fucking lucky to have two best friends and one whom I shall most likely fall in love with 

I’m blessed to have finally met someone who understands me, think’s I’m beautiful inside and out, actually listens, and cannot help but just gaze at me 

that is worth so much

and now I don’t have to question it, there is no reason too. I probably shouldn’t have in the first place haha 

Well it’s good to know we are both in a good place 

I think I hurt myself more then he hurt me 

I still want him to love me though

and I’m sure that will happen at some point 

hopefully 

but I will no longer talk about it 

until it happens 

but I will 

only tell you all

a little bit about it! 

😛 

Oh yeah

I got a lot done today! 

I picked up and cleaned pretty much everything 

YEAH