Goodbye

“You are dying”
The doctor said
She could hardly
Get out of bed
So many
Panic attacks
With anxiety
In her ribs
It seemed
That this
Was it
No one
Could love her
Not in her condition
So she took
A dagger
To her heart
Full of pain
To finish it

I’m Gonna Love Myself The Way I Want You To Love Me

I’m sorry that I have been writing less and less lately, I know much of it hasn’t been as positive as I would like. I’m in a bit of a writers block at the moment and trying to get to where I want to be in life. I often feel as if I work harder then anyone else. Even right now I feel as if what I’m writing for you all isn’t good enough.

I’m trying really hard to believe that there is someone out there for me who will love me like I want him too but right now I don’t see that. I don’t see any of it and I don’t believe it’s there. I’ve been alone or at least felt as if I’ve been alone much of my life. I know I said I wouldn’t share personal things but I felt I owed it to you all to know why my poetry isn’t sounded like it usually does

. I’ve had this desire of being “loved” ever since I was a little girl, not just any love either. I’m talking true love the kind that takes work, the kind where I’m not worshiped but treated like a human being who is cared a lot about. In my past it’s been nothing but being criticized for who I am or being treated badly. I still cry by myself at night to heal. But even that doesn’t work much, I can only heal other people, I have no clue as to how to heal myself. I’ve never felt that I belong anywhere, unless I’m in water or completely naked or being kissed everywhere on my body.

I’m not lonely but I feel very alone. It’s like the shadows of disrespect from my past have just been thrown in my face and I have to just sit there and take it. I can feel his hands around my neck still, I don’t understand why it comes back, why I feel like this so much lately. I’ve gone to therapy for years to get it gone, I’ve done purifying heart exercises, I meditate and stay relaxed but his shadow wont leave. 

I will still write my poetry and work on my video project. I don’t know how to thank you all for your support. I’m hoping i’ll find a way, it means so much to me that you are here and reading all of what I have to say. I haven’t got much hope left right now for love or anything like it.. I hope you will understand and I hope someday my hope for it will come back like magic. 

I’m hoping to go to New York or Dublin for art college, I’ve got much to do before then. 

Thank you for reading everything and being such great followers. 

Last Night

Last night 

I had another break down 

Last night 

I felt the whole world crashing down beneath my finger tips 

Last night 

I let the tears run down my face as if they were part of the ocean 

Last night 

I had thoughts of suicide

Last night

I begged, I pleaded, I prayed

for someone to just come and hold me

and tell me everything is going to be okay

Last night

my heart broke a little bit more

Last night

the pain in my chest wouldn’t go away

Last night

I begged to have someone stay

just this once

to have someone help me take this pain away

Last night

I felt numb

Last night

I felt the past holding onto my shoulder

Last night

I said I know I can’t stop living

but I need this pain to leave my soul

I can’t go on like this

I need help

please bring someone soon

I beg you

Last night

I made the same mistake again

trusting words and not actions

Last night

I could hardly feel my body

as I was laying on the floor

Last night

I thought about

who is going to be

the one

to come back

Last night

no one showed

maybe tonight

someone will

Last night

I could hardly sleep

Last night

I realized I’m the only me

Last night

I begged for wings

to take me away

Last night

I screamed

I’m sick of feeling dead while I’m a live

I’m sick of getting my heart broken and feeling more hurt then they do about it

I’m done with not be treated the way I deserve

Last night

I asked you

to please make sure

that each and everyone of them

ends up feeling this pain

Last night

whoever he is

he heard my calll

Last night

my unhappiness made it rain

made it storm

that was me and my power

Last night

I told you

I was made from the earth

just as you are

only you put me in this human form

Last night

I would not stop repeating myself

because I felt you couldn’t hear me

Last night

I asked you to bring him last night

I asked you to bring him tonight

Last night

I asked you to bring someone back

anyone

have someone realize

that they care

and that they want to stay

Last night

I felt so alone

I need someone by my side

I can’t keep doing this

it could bring me

to die

Last night

I wanted to

but I know I have to live

Last night

I told you my dreams

and all I’ve got in store for me

Last night

I said I needed help

someone to share in this eternal pain

 

you need to bring someone back

please bring them tonight

just tonight  

Silently Screaming

So I had the biggest panic attack today

I’m not entirely sure why 

I almost stabbed my vain with a scissors 

keyword “almost” 

I have felt completely alone 

for a very long time now 

okay 

so about a week 

no one is here 

at least that’s what I feel like 

and I still have the ache in my stomach 

and I still feel like breaking down and crying 

I have had scary thoughts just appear in my head 

and just break my heart

did you know I was born with a hole in my heart? 

well I was 

and they used this little coily thing to close it up

I was two 

when the surgery happened 

I have been feeling so alone 

and so unimportant and so unloved 

that’s all my anxiety talking 

and no one has been able to help me 

my mother just makes it worse yelling at me and telling me what the fuck is wrong with me 

my father isn’t helping either

my sister doesn’t help 

my best friend is busy 

my soon-be boyfriend is also busy and isn’t free till later

I’m practically dying here 

and no one is here!! 

no one! 

my fucking heart hurts so much 

and I don’t get a damn hug or someone to hold 

I just gave away half my wardrobe at both my houses 

plus jewelry and shoes 

I feel like my fucking body is breaking 

and no one cares 

I feel like I want to die 

but I can’t I have to live 

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? HUH?

I feel like if I cry enough my whole body will break and out will fly an angel of some sort and I’ll just leave my body there 

why the hell am I hurting so much?

please someone come here and hold me 

and tell me I’ll be okay 

because this stupid pain hurts 

feeling so alone like this 

I am gonna cry when I see him

just like I’m crying now 

FUCK