I’m Not An Angel

Stand
Outside
The line
Between
You
And I
I cannot
Let you in
I cannot
Let you win
This heart
Will never
Be challenged
Again
I’d rather
Be broken
Then feel
Love
Once more
So many
People
I’ve known
Have just
Walked out
The door
You expect me
To trust
But how can I
When it all
Turns to rust?
Then slowly
Diminishes
Like a cloud
Of lust.
You cannot
Ask me to care
Don’t you even dare
I’ll drive you
Mad
Or make you
Sad
I’m telling you
That’s not
Very rad
So do yourself
A favor
Walk away
Slowly
And don’t
Look back
You’ll be glad.

Ambitious Dreams

Let yourself
Go
Where
No one
Will know
Play that
Banjo
Forget
The split ends
All you need
Is some more
Friends
How long until
Freedom?
When will
The pain
Disappear?
Must I leave
Here
Show me
More then one
Pathway
To my goal
Only give me
Those with
A loving soul
Now
You know

Almost

Suicide trips 

knife to my lips 

tears in my eyes 

pain in my heart 

wanting to rip myself apart

water loose from my veins 

I think I’m going insane 

“Nobody loves you. Nobody can love you” 

words chant in my head 

I think I’m better off dead 

who to talk too?

who to call?

nobody really loves me 

at all

can’t trust anyone else

countless texts

you wanted sex

you try to say goodbye 

a thousand times 

only to end up 

with him on the other line 

miles away 

it’s not the same 

your fingers are numb now 

from pain 

your heart aches 

for his touch

you’ve scared away 

everyone else 

because they aren’t enough

your mind races 

as you bring the silver closer

panicking more 

and more 

so many tears 

life is blurred 

but he saved 

you 

he is 

here 

 

 

A Strongly Worded Letter to Valentines Day

Dear Valentines Day, 

You are a completely overrated “Holiday” 

I could care less that you happen to have “history” behind all the card giving and chocolate consuming. 

I have been single for three god damn years and you expect me to “celebrate” you when I have no significant other? 

I know you probably don’t realize this but you make people who are alone even more lonely, it doesn’t matter if we are loved and have tons of friends, you make us feel like shit. 

I don’t like you. I don’t like you at all. I have such a BIG ASS problem with you. 

Do you know why this is? huh? 

Well lets see, I’ve never had a date on this day.

I have had a “visit” on this day,

Where years ago when I was incredibly stupid and in love with this guy who didn’t give a flying fuck about me, this is the same fucking asshole who beat me up and took my virginity and broke my cute little teenage heart! Do you know what he gave me and what I gave him? yes, we exchanged gifts big fucking surprise.. 

I gave him cupcakes that I made and the idiot gave me a necklace he stole while he was in mexico with his family off a street vendor. It was purple cut glass and in the shape of a heart, I threw that thing into the river a year later. 

You know what he said to me? he said that in his culture that necklace was going to give me protection away from negative things.. but he lied. He fucking lied to me. Even if I wore that piece of junk around him he still would have hurt me physically. 

You can tell me a million times to get over this shit but to be quite honest, You bring this back, this stupid memory that I blocked out for who knows how long and now that it’s that time of year again where all the people who are madly in love fuck until sunset I am still just sitting eating chocolate, hating today and reminded of my past relationships and all the fucking mistakes I did because of you VALENTNIES DAY 

If I’m not mistaken Saint Valentine killed people, I’m pretty sure that’s true and FYI V-day, we aren’t living in the time of Jesus Christ. so why do what saint’s did apply so much to our own reality? 

Yes, I want love. I want it so badly I used to be addicted to it and now I still don’t know what to think about it wither I’m head over heels in love with someone or not. 

Love is not meant to make you feel stupid, insecure, fake, anything negative. Do you understand?

Yes, people who care about each other hurt each other but I’ve learned that those negative things that people label and place themselves just has nothing to do with love. In fact it’s the opposite of love and if you think youre not fucked up too then damn are you wrong, not one person on this planet is perfect, not one human being made of flesh and bone looks 100% the same. not one. Even if you’re a twin or a triplet, that kind of thing. 

Your identity isn’t your view on things or how you look, it’s what your heart looks like, it’s how you treat other people. 

I don’t know everything, I wish I did, I wish I could tell other girls to not love so easily, I wish woman wouldn’t get raped like I did, I wish I could help them but I can’t, the only thing I can do is vollenteer and give money. I’d give anything to help those young girls on the streets who don’t know what’s coming to them. 

I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about what those beautiful baby girls have to go through. It’s not fair. To be hurt so young. 

When you’re a teenager, you think you know so much and you think you’ve been through so much but you haven’t. You don’t know as much as you think you do. I wish I had known that. 

I wish I had been told that relationships aren’t perfect and that your first boyfriend, your first serious relationship isn’t going to be how you want it to be, you can’t marry this boy, you can’t have a future with him, you have to get hurt, you have to. 

I remember that I so badly just wanted to give him everything, I loved him that much that I wanted him to want me to be his everything but the reality of it was that I didn’t mean anything to him, I was a pawn in his game and I was blinded by real love and after it all burned to pieces. 

I became scared of fully loving. I stopped believing and hoping someone could love me. To be honest I still find it hard to believe. I don’t see how someone could want to sacrifice so much of themselves to love me. 

I’m still a very sensitive person. Maybe not as much as before but I am. I am called “selfish”, not because I want so much but I think it’s because I want so little.. 

I realize that now. I really don’t ask much of anyone.. and it’s selfish of me to do so much of what others ask. 

I’ve said before that all I ever really want is a place to call “home” or to just be with someone who cares about me. Just one person who is brave enough to kiss my cheeks and hold me when I cry or to just own a place by myself where I can have that sense of something being mine. 

I want someone to belong to me ya know. I want someone to protect me and show me as much as they can that they love me. I’ve wanted that for such a long time and don’t you dare call me selfish for wanting that. don’t you fucking dare. 

You don’t know what’s like.. 

To be honest you don’t. 

I’ve moved 11 times, ELEVEN. Throughout my childhood. Even having two houses, not one of them feels like home. I have never had that security. 

Yes, I did have friends as a child but even so I still was very much left alone. I wasn’t listened to. 

I have begged, pleaded, prayed, for that security for who knows how long now and it still isn’t here. My hope is gone, my faith will slowly disappear once again and dissolve just like before. 

I have happy days and sad days and I want to be done with these sad days. 

Valentines Day, you always make me feel sad. 

If one day I like you then great but right now I’m a complete bitch and I need to get shit done. 

I FUCKING HATE YOU VALENTINES DAY 

Securely,

Zoe  

 

 

Somebody, Someone, The One

She often felt
Sad and alone
You see
Convinced
That what
She desired
Could be
Nothing
But a
Shitty pipe dream
The more people
That seemed to leave
The less and less
She would believe
Though she was created
With less trust already
She still hoped
That maybe
Somebody
Would prove her wrong
Someone
Would choose her
To be the one

Broken

He finally
Broke her
Now
She must
Save herself
Again
Tear by tear
Falling to pieces
Year by year
How could she be so broken?

Let The Demons Take Me (short story)

“I can’t.. I can’t do this anymore” she said, her pale face looking even paler, her body feeling loose and weak.. 

He held her in his arms “No!” he wept “No! I’m not gonna let you die! You can’t do this to me, you can’t leave me here without you!” tears began to run down his cheeks, he moved pieces of her brown hair out of the way of her face, exposing her bright green eyes.. 

“You have to go on, this..” she coughed slightly, then spoke ever so softy “This was my choice” her wrists were bleeding even more then they were before, the blood began to stain her orange dress and his jeans. 

A single tear ran down her pale cheek, “You can’t.. you can’t.. you can’t save me.. it’s too..” 

Tears still fell down from his eyes, he never cried, never, but loosing her, loosing her in this way, smashed his heart into so many little pieces. She had done it, she had listened to that other voice in her head and let the demons take her, the slits on her wrists were too deep, she had dug the knife in too far. 

“Too what? Too what?!” he wailed, rocking her back and forth, waterfalls streaming from his eyes, he was unable to stop, the sadness and depression had taken him but he knew she wasn’t dead, at least not yet. 

“Late” she whispered.. “You don’t know what it’s like to live with a voice in your head who puts.. you.. down.. allthetime.. then to have others.. put you down.. over and..” 

She gasped, her wrists were burning now.. she was seeing specks of white light now. 

“I love you… please don’t ever forget me.. and what I’ve..doneforyou” she let out a loose slight smile, as if she was happy to die. 

He cried and cried, he was loosing her, the one woman that made him feel like a real man, the one who was always there for him, she had taken her own life, he couldn’t stand it. He was loosing his girl. 

“But you’re my girl! I need you.. don’t leave me please” he looked into her eyes and let his tears of agony fall on her face now. 

She mouthed “I love you so much” then she felt hands grab her, her spirit was going into the afterlife.. 

Her body lay lifeless, her dark brown hair a mess, her eyes wide open, her mouth closed, her beautiful body and summer dress covered in a pool of blood, purple and then a deep crimson red.. 

He couldn’t help himself, he had to cry, he had to let his sadness wash her or cleanse her pale body. 

It was then that he said everything, he confessed of his feelings from the moment they met to the day that he first gave her a kiss to this moment of her dying in his arms.

He expected a miracle of some sort to happen.. but it didn’t she just lay in his arms dead and lifeless 

He had failed to protect her, he had left her alone for too long, the demons had taken her. He felt he could have saved her, he could have.. they lived together for fucks sake! 

He lay there now, his back on the floor, his arm around her body, gazing into her dead green eyes.

“I saw you in my future you know.. it was you” he said with a pained look on his face, still gazing. 

From that night on all he could do was see her everywhere, in his dreams, where he went, she was everywhere. He felt her arms around him often and her head on his chest. 

He loved her so much. Why didn’t he tell her? why did he play so many games with her head? Why did he leave her so many times but always come back? 

He could have saved her.. if he had just broken down his own walls and let himself see her heart. 

 

Please..

I don’t know 

why I suddenly feel like the whole world is against me 

it’s like my happiness just doesn’t matter to anyone anymore 

I cried yesterday 

and now I’m crying again today 

it’s like Mother Nature is just purposefully 

taking away the people that I love 

and that I thought I could see in my future 

and now she’s taking away the one person who understands me 

and the one person who knows me better then anyone else 

even my best friend 

I know I’m not perfect 

but this is just mean 

so mean in so many ways 

and now its like he doesn’t really care about me anymore 

at least that’s what it looks like 

it’s almost like no one really cares about me 

no one is even trying to care about me 

I’ve thought about killing myself 

how my funeral could be the one thing to make someone come back

just anyone really 

My heart aches so much right now 

it’s like I’m the rain almost 

and 

I can’t stop the rain from falling 

I have no faith 

all I’ve got is hope 

and that’s not doing any good for me right now 

why does my heart continue to do this?

I just simply fall in love with 

certain people who show me kindness 

or connect with me in a rare way 

only to be hurt badly in the end 

Mother Nature why did you have to take him away from me?

WHY? this isn’t fair 

not to me 

and not my heart 

or even him 

we are two pieces of the puzzle 

then you let him go thousands of miles away 

and I’m going to have to let him go 

and I wont be his last love like I want 

I’m grieving about all of this before it has even happened

ugh, what is wrong with me?

I feel so disgusted with myself now

my lip is quivering

that’s a first

I think you can hear the pain very much in the way that I’m crying

what if it’s his voice that I’m hearing?

OH FUCK

I don’t know

maybe I am a total nutcase and just super crazy

if there’s anyone out there 

who cares for me 

even just a little 

could you let me know 

please 

could you please come see me 

or something 

just call me up on the phone 

I need to hear someones voice 

please let whoever 

is saying 

“Zoe, I love you, I love you Zoe” 

or 

“I love Zoe, I’m in love with Zoe” 

to just speak to me 

please 

that’s all I ask 

I won’t ask for anything else 

ever again 

I promise 

just please don’t take away 

the people I love 

please 

 

Super Boy & The Invisible Girl

“Why did you leave me? Why? Why couldn’t you have just stayed and not left in the first place? You think it was easy for me without you? You think everyday wasn’t some goddamn walk of shame without you?” She yelled, tears streaming from her eyes and anger in the creases of her fast beating heart.
“I was scared” he said back calmly, then he gulped “You got so close to me, closer then anyone ever has, you knew so much about me and I was scared that maybe you were who I was suppose to be with and I couldn’t let myself get attached to you because I knew I’d never leave” he couldn’t stand the pain he was causing her, seeing those tears in her eyes just about did him in, he wanted to reach for her but her anger was in place now and wouldn’t leave just yet. “Why did you come back? Do you want something from me? Am I just a goddamn rebound? A choice? If its the same fucking thing all over again I wish you didn’t come back” she spoke harshly, anger showing in her words, she didn’t understand any of this. “I didn’t come back to use you for my own selfish needs like I had before, that man is gone. I didn’t come back to insult you though I have already I’m so sorry” he sounded very sorry, his voice had such a sad tone to it. ” I came back because I realized that you and I aren’t that different, I missed your beautiful face and your words, I need you, I want you to be happy, bring a smile to your face the whole shabang”
“Shabang?” She asked.
“I want to be that important person to you, who is always here, cares more about you then himself. I want to be what you need. I want to change your life for the better”
“But you left- you threatened to leave me again and just about broke my heart into pieces..again”
“A man can learn”
“Oh, fuck you” she joked still refusing to smile, her hands crosses
“How can I make it up to you?” He asked hesitantly.
She replied with another question
“Make it up to me? You wanna make up for a year and a halfs time of me putting up with your shit and being here when you weren’t?” She was smart mouthing him now he could tell.
“Yes, tell me what I have to do or I’ll think up ways myself” he gazed at her, sighing.
“I’m too nice to make you my slave. Umm..” She thought for a moment “don’t talk trash about people around me, don’t insult me, don’t speak of the negative you “notice” in me. Don’t threaten to leave me again or ill kick your ass. Be here for me. Say nice things. Let me know more about you. Tell me memory’s but not about woman you have loved or again I’ll kick your ass”
“You’re real serious about this ass kicking aren’t you?”
“Boy, I know plenty of boxing to kick your ass trust me or I’ll just do something terrible to myself that will break your heart like you broke mine”
“Your not done are you?”
“Not quite no. How about you call me once and a while? Or at least once”
“I’m here on the beach though aren’t I”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to get what you want or not? Because if you want to be important to me you’ve gotta work up to it and stop talking trash and smart assing me because I’m still angry at you..”
“Fuck! I’m sorry, god damn it, I’m so fucking sorry, it wasn’t my intention to hurt you or accuse you wrongly”
“I get it but its going to take more then an apology to keep me”
“Okay..damn it”
“Nothing worth having comes easy”
“That’s true”
“You see me right I’m not fucking invisible anymore?”
“I’ve always been able to see you”
“Ha Ha very funny”
“Look no matter how much I want it to be something other then it is you can’t fucking let it, okay, it’s always been like that and it’s how it’s going to stay until I die”
” I wouldn’t be too sure about that”
“You don’t want to be with me end of story go live your life with the beautiful real Taylor Swift, she’s far prettier then I am..”
“Why do you do that? Why do you put yourself down like that?”
“Well you make it all the more easier saying what you did, why do you insult me? Same reason”
“I know, I said I’m sorry”
“Sorrys aren’t going to make up for a year of everything..”
“I fucking hate this, I hate knowing your feeling like this”
“You scratched the tiny bit of hope I had left about anything, I’m so fucking sick of taking care of others and I need someone to take care of me”
They talked on and on and on, until she headed on the bus home. Things were just starting to figure themselves out. But the story isn’t over yet.

The Woman in The Mirror

I guess if you asked me what I saw in the mirror 

I’d tell you that I see a young woman 

who the majority of the time feels less then human 

having such uncommon abilities and beyond average intelligence, wise indeed 

I’d say she’s an old soul and most likely lived in every time period, every century

but she chooses to talk as if she lives in the 1800’s and the 60’s

just because

I’d tell you she is beyond spiritual

and has a connection with nature

as if the trees were her siblings and the animals her cousins

I’d tell you she keeps plenty hidden and only reveals what she feels she must

she can control her positive emotions quite well and her anger now and again but sadness is something she never has full control over

She’s been hurt many times but that only makes her stronger

Her words are like a melody or a song when she speaks

She has passion for all of the small things and life

and isn’t afraid to say what’s on her mind

I’d say that sometimes things come easy to her and sometimes it takes more work then any average person 

I’d tell you that when she paint’s it’s as if she’s painting her own world, that no one can hurt her or leave her 

and that when she sings, the earth and the sun know it 

they smile as she sings and it brings plenty of peace to the earth 

I’d tell you her life isn’t easy and that when she is afraid or feels unsafe or as if her emotions are taking hold of her she runs 

She uses kindness in everything she does and honestly doesn’t expect a thing

she’s been running since she was a little girl and to her it’s all she knows when she fears she might hurt someone or someone has hurt her badly 

If you took a look into her chest you would see two hearts and not one because that is how much love she carries inside her 

Her eyes are never just one color, they change with her emotions 

and when she cries it’s like the ocean and it’s tides 

Her nose isn’t perfect but she accepts it just the way it is 

Her cheek bones are pretty thin but it just works well with her face 

Her lips are perfect for kissing and they are the prettiest shade of pink 

Her skin is pale and it burns easily in the sun but when it becomes brown and golden she feels a bit more herself 

Her body is thin and she can eat whatever she pleases, though shes wishes she had more of an ass 

her ears are small with a tiny point like an elves from The Lord of The Rings 

Her breasts aren’t the biggest 

and her feet are small 

she feels more herself without shoes 

Her hair is a dark brown, in the sunlight it shines red, she has light brown, brown,black, dark brown and some red in her hair, it’s long 

When she speaks she either speaks to your heart or your brain 

and its your choice if you choose to act on this or not 

She knows her own beauty wither you see it or not 

and she marches to the beat of her own drum

she lives, she really does 

and she smiles through the sad things 

That is the woman I see in the mirror