Tag Archives: crying

Repressed Memories

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I’m done crying 

over a broken heart 

I’m done 

being treated like 

I deserve to be 

broken 

apart 

To the man

who want’s 

the love I carry 

I warn you 

it may be weak and weary 

but if you can 

treat me with respect 

and be here 

for me 

when I am a puddle 

of sadness 

and possibly 

love me 

in my glasses 

I just want to tell you 

that I’ll be waiting 

for that kiss 

when we start 

dating 

I hope 

I’m enough for you 

to tell you the truth 

I’ve wasted so much time 

and energy

on so many men 

who I think 

are truly mine 

but no man 

can be owned by a woman

his heart 

is always locked in a cage 

because he is afraid 

of how much power 

she can have on him

but I just want 

what everyone else has got 

to have a family 

to live in a house 

and have one hell of a smile on my face 

if you think it’s been easy for me your dead wrong 

forgiveness may come easy to me 

but it’s the loving 

that takes really long 

once I get my banjo 

I’m going to write a song 

I hope one day 

you’ll be brave enough 

to sing along 

 

 

Drastic Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

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For some reason 

I found myself breaking down 

and crying so much I couldn’t really breath 

without wailing and screaming WHY?

then asking 

WHY take my best friend from me?

WHY kill the baby inside my stomach? 

and 

WHY make me fall in love with someone who viciously tore my heart out and never wanted to return my love in the first place?

I still feel like crying 

and for some dumbass reason

I heard someone talking to me 

a male 

and he said 

“Zoe I love you” 

then I heard 

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry”

I’ve been trying to be what society calls strong

smiling and not shedding a tear 

but I can’t do that 

the two people that I told everything to

are gone 

and one is dead 

which leaves a gaping hole in my heart

I don’t think there is anything I could have done to make him stay 

I should have told him how I really felt 

I should have told him that I loved him

but that probably wouldn’t have done much either

he thinks we don’t fit well together

all because I get angry with small words 

I’d say that’s pretty bad judgement 

the most important thing to a woman 

is her time 

and I wasted a lot of that on him 

thinking that maybe he could love me too

seduced by mere words 

I should have taken it as a sign 

when he showed up three hours late

I no longer feel a need to be angry with him

but just thinking about him does make me sad 

he wouldn’t even come over around 8 pm like I asked 

which is selfish 

and it was selfish of me to ask 

but he would have haled ass over to see me if he really liked me

I don’t know if he’s ever going to care about me again 

I still feel as if he left without saying goodbye 

just like my dog did 

loosing her probably hurts the most for me 

but I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him 

what hurts me most about our situation 

is that he left without even saying goodbye really 

and he just started treating my disrespectfully 

I am unsure about what I would do if he spoke to me like a real human being

I don’t think he cares enough to make things right between us 

I don’t think he wants me in his life anymore 

I’m just a worn out pair of shoes

cast to the side 

no longer important 

and that does hurt 

and it makes me question if I really knew him at all

my guts been feeling funny 

it keeps telling me that something is going to happen 

and I wont be prepared for it 

that freaks me out 

then again it could be something good

but I’m not sure 

I just know that it’s going to change my life

in a pretty fucking big way

I want love more then anything in the world 

I don’t want to get hurt again

I’m done feeling that shit now

I can’t take much more of it 

two deaths 

and a broken heart 

no more of that please 

please give me what I deserve 

that love that lasts forever 

and happiness and joy 

that stays 

let it stay 

 

 

WHY DON’T YOU LET HER SEE THE FEELINGS YOU HIDE INSIDE? WHY DON’T YOU KISS HER?

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I’m really sick and tried 

of being hurt 

by the people I care the most about 

and he doesn’t even know how much I care about him 

it’s just not fair 

it’s not fair that I’m not getting what I want 

and that I’m not getting any respect 

I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this in my life 

I try so hard you know 

I try a lot 

to keep things together 

and people by my side 

my heart hurts 

and so does my head 

I hate him 

I fucking hate him for hurting me 

over and over again 

when all I do care 

so I hope he’s happy 

fucking loser!

I never want to see him again

not now 

okay fine maybe I do want to see him 

and that’s most of the problem 

the stupid thing is 

I should have noticed that he didn’t want to try with me 

but I was so convinced that we would be happy together 

but he doesn’t want me 

he doesn’t want me 

and he doesn’t care 

so I have every right to cry like a baby 

and eat as much chocolate as humanly possible 

then once it gets dark I am taking a sorching hot shower 

and forgetting everything 

and I mean everything 

so if he shows up sometime

I will ask “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?”

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid 

ITS HIS FUCKING LOSS

I’M DONE CRYING ABOUT IT 

ITS HIS FUCKING LOSSS

JESUS CHRIST! 

WHY? 

WHY THE FUCKING HELL COULD HE NOT LIKE ME?

DID HE FUCKING PLAY ME? HUH?

DID HE?

AND I DIDN’T FUCKING SEE IT?

FUCK 

FUCK 

FUCK 

“NOT MY INTENTION” 

FUCK 

FUCK 

FUCK

FUCKIY FUCK FUCK 

HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE ME BACK?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

YOU KNOW HOW MUCH OF MYSELF I FUCKING GAVE TO YOU?

EVERY DAMN THING

EVEN WHEN YOU REJECTED ME AND ACTED LIKE A COMPLETE JERK 

I GAVE YOU WHAT YOU WANTED 

I GAVE YOU MY BODY

I GAVE YOU MY WORDS 

WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

GOD DAMN IT 

I LIKE YOU MORE THEN I’VE LIKED ANYONE ELSE 

I DON’T WANT TO GET OVER YOU 

I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE 

BUT I DO NOT LOVE YOU 

AND YOU’VE WASTED SO MUCH OF MY TIME 

YOU MAKE ME SO CONFUSED AND YOU HARDLY TALK TO ME ANYMORE

I HATE THAT 

I HATE IT SO MUCH 

I HATE THAT IN PERSON YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I’M THE GREATEST WOMAN IN THE WORLD 

BUT THROUGH ELECTRONICS YOUR AN ASSHOLE 

I’M EMOTIONAL 

SO FUCKING WHAT 

I’M A WOMAN 

AND 

MEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WOMAN 

JUST LIKE I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU 

AND WHY YOU HURT ME SO MUCH 

WHEN I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU 

SO YOU FUCKED UP 

YOU FUCKED UP ALL OVER AGAIN

AND YOUR TOO IMMATURE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HURTING ME 

ALL YOU THINK OF IS YOURSELF 

YOUR FUCKING SELF 

AND YOUR NOT EVEN THAT GREAT 

YOUR NOT 

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE ANYMORE 

IT FUCKING HURTS 

YOU ALWAYS FUCKING HURT ME 

I’M GONNA TRY MY FUCKING BEST TO MOVE ON FROM CARING SO MUCH ABOUT YOU 

AND WHEN I HAVE SUCCESSFULLY DONE THAT 

YOU WILL WANT ME BACK 

AND I MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT WANT YOU 

SO THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO TRY 

AND ACTUALLY BE A FUCKING MAN 

IF I DON’T SEE YOU TONIGHT 

I’M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN 

EVER 

MY EYES ARE WEARY FROM STAYING UP SO LATE 

WASTING HOPE ON YOU AND CARING SO FUCKING MUCH 

LOOK AT THEM AND FEEL IT 

FEEL EVERYTHING THAT I FUCKING FEEL TOWARDS YOU AND HOW IT IS GOING DOWN THE DRAIN 

THIS IS YOUR FAULT 

THAT THIS CONNECTION THAT I HAVE DREAMED OF ALL OF MY CHILDHOOD IS DROWNING AND IT WILL SINK JUST LIKE MY FEELINGS FOR YOU IN MY HEART 

SO FUCK YOU 

YOU THOUGHT WRONG 

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Silently Screaming

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So I had the biggest panic attack today

I’m not entirely sure why 

I almost stabbed my vain with a scissors 

keyword “almost” 

I have felt completely alone 

for a very long time now 

okay 

so about a week 

no one is here 

at least that’s what I feel like 

and I still have the ache in my stomach 

and I still feel like breaking down and crying 

I have had scary thoughts just appear in my head 

and just break my heart

did you know I was born with a hole in my heart? 

well I was 

and they used this little coily thing to close it up

I was two 

when the surgery happened 

I have been feeling so alone 

and so unimportant and so unloved 

that’s all my anxiety talking 

and no one has been able to help me 

my mother just makes it worse yelling at me and telling me what the fuck is wrong with me 

my father isn’t helping either

my sister doesn’t help 

my best friend is busy 

my soon-be boyfriend is also busy and isn’t free till later

I’m practically dying here 

and no one is here!! 

no one! 

my fucking heart hurts so much 

and I don’t get a damn hug or someone to hold 

I just gave away half my wardrobe at both my houses 

plus jewelry and shoes 

I feel like my fucking body is breaking 

and no one cares 

I feel like I want to die 

but I can’t I have to live 

WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? HUH?

I feel like if I cry enough my whole body will break and out will fly an angel of some sort and I’ll just leave my body there 

why the hell am I hurting so much?

please someone come here and hold me 

and tell me I’ll be okay 

because this stupid pain hurts 

feeling so alone like this 

I am gonna cry when I see him

just like I’m crying now 

FUCK

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It’s All For You

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I’m one of those stupid girls that wants to be wanted all the time, I cannot help it.
I love getting that attention, I’m not an attention whore parsay but I like it.
If someone gets bored of me or doesn’t really pay much attention to me ill end up doing the same to them since I can feel how they feel so sometimes it can reflect off me, stupid yes but it’s a lot of the reasons why men loose interest or they catch their eyes onto some other girl.
It’s always been me that has been the broken hearted in the end of all the shit and not once has any guy felt guilt towards me because of it.
Okay maybe one time but that’s only because he told me to FUCK OFF a dozen times. I’m pretty sure he was in tears as he said goodbye, that selfish bastard. Fuck the past I’m happy now!
Anyway.
For all the lady’s out there I’d like to help you out a bit and tell you how to spot an asshole (lucky for me the man I like a whole ton is nothing like them, he is a handsome nerd of a gentleman and he is mine!)
Now, lets get back to the subject.
Assholes.
An asshole of a man doesn’t have any specific facial features it is all in the way he acts, for instance if he jokes about “rape” very very often then yes, he is an asshole. If he thinks more about himself then he does about you, he is an asshole. If he drinks all the time and comes home to you and hits you, he’s an asshole. If he wears sweatpants 24/7 and grabs at his dick 24/7 he probably is an asshole. If the man is to cheap to buy you a nice dress that he picked out himself, pay for dinner at your favorite restaurant and drive the car himself, he is an asshole or he’s too cheap and you defiantly deserve someone better. If his pants are too the ground and his grammar isn’t that impressive he may be one too.
There you go my peeps, good luck and stay away from them. Good men are always the best to be around. I feel really shitty right now because I push people away that mean the most to me and I kind of am doing it right now but it’s just what my demons do, they want me to be unhappy. I have some issues with loving myself and being happy, I cannot believe I’ve been best friends with my girl Hannah since kindergarten and she hasn’t left. People leave me you know, they can’t handle my outbursts of sadness. They get scared off by my words. I can be a terrible person. I first started to notice the demons when I was in fourth grade. My parents had just gotten divorced. It practically broke my spirit. So I would do things to make myself cry, I’d hurt myself or think of something and no one would hold me, ever. I’ve never had anyone hold me close when I cry, I’ve wanted that for so long now. So fucking long. My own father couldn’t hold me when I had a dream about loosing a child that was inside me and there was blood everywhere. He couldn’t tell me it wasn’t real. He could fucking say I love you. I hold a lot in. I hold emotions in and things that hurt me. I hide shit too. I do think I’m not good enough for you, even after our lips met and felt so right. I wish you hadn’t left, I wish you had just stayed the night. You know, I’ve cried many many nights, years even of ocean flavored tears falling from my eyes. I make myself like that, I don’t know why, I guess in just hopes that someone will hold me. I cry a lot more then most people and when I do, when I do you see a look that could just break your heart. Sometimes ill gaze at myself in the mirror when I can and ask myself “why are you so beautiful but when you cry you become this? This ugly thing with waterworks coming from your face? Who could love that?”
WHO COULD LOVE THAT?
I guess pretty people arnt always the best looking, I guess we all change when we feel sad or angry. My mother likes to joke about me being bipolar or insane or something, I take it seriously.
My sister does it too. I was bullied a lot as a child. I was bullied by a best friend. I was bullied by a boy who thought it was funny to talk about my breasts, vagina and ass. I was bullied by a teacher. I was bullied by a boy who told me to “go kill yourself”. I was harassed by a girl who I thought was my best friend, she called me frequently and would yell things like “narcissistic bitch” and yeah, um ouch. I don’t know why I decided to write up all of this tonight but I guess you guys are lucky, have some information about me huh. Do what you please.

It’s Time to Make Your House, Your Home

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I don’t like feeling like I don’t belong in my own family, whats supposed to be my own family.

My family is split into two parts; there’s my control freak mother, who is a Scorpio just like me, the majority of the time we understand each other, we love each other, we yell because we are scoprios and we sting, it doesn’t really hurt us unless we want it to but its always love and working hard with her, she pushes me to be a good person and do things right. I’ve got the best mom in the world.

ah, the salt water is burning my eyes. I’m crying. I haven’t really opened up to anyone deeply in a long time. It hurts to leave it in for so long, but thats something I’m good at – hiding my pain. I can cry at night and no one can hear me. I hide from my dad and his ex wife that way..

They never knew how much pain and sadness I kept inside. You wouldn’t think a happy positive young woman like me could cry the way I do. No one has ever seen me cry the way I do.

Going back to the subject; theres my dad….. he used to be the best father in the world, I used to want to be like him so bad. He puts his girlfriend and her son before my sister and I, he calls us a family, I can’t be around people like them – even if they did love me, I’m not talking crap I’m telling you how I feel. Your lucky your face isn’t covered in your own tears right now like mine are.  He scares me, I don’t even know who he is anymore, he once yelled at me when I was really little, like really yelled at me, I swear his eyes were red and his hair was all over the place, he didn’t look human at all.. it was like there was this red and black light behind him..

Sometimes we go without food, well I go without food, I’ll make something for my sister then skip a mean, my dad keeps all the money in his pocket, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten something new or that wasn’t on sale from him, you know how parents give their kids money to shop places well if I asked he’d be like “you have to pay me back”, his girlfriend even made me pay for my own prom dress and my mom said thats not what you do your senior year.

When I try to talk to him about anything personal or about me, he will change the subject to be about him, its always about him. Or him and his girlfriend. I can’t remember what he said but he said something that has torn the relationship of him being my father, it hurt really bad being told what he said..

Your supposed to always put your kids before yourself, loving very minute of them, but he never told us what he did to his ex wife, no he never said he had an affair, he thought we were both to stupid to notice, to much of kids to understand, well I know. I know whose shoes his new girlfriend is trying to fill, his ex  may have been a controlling but at least she loved my sister and I. She always has. She always will, all I can recall about our relationship with her is that she loved us.

She was a woman with so much love, she had motherly instincts like any other woman of her age. She wanted so badly to give us the world, she would even play with us, we kept her young. Now that we are gone I don’t know where she is or if she still thinks of us. It was never her fault, she never did anything wrong – she would always tell us we could do anything. I really miss her. She gave me the love that all children want.

My mom gives me love, my sister does, my pets do, my friends do – but I desire more and she gave me more, she told me everything and she held me when I cried. But even so she couldn’t hear me cry at night. She even took me to my favorite musical Wicked. I feel I’m very much like Elphaba, I’m very different like she is, I dream of meeting someone like the wizard, I have a best friend like Glinda, I have a spoiled younger sister, waiting on a Yero my Hero..

We used to have this German Shepard named Frida we rescued kind-of, she actually bit someone and they didn’t want to put her down so we took her, niether my father or his ex wife could take her. She was one of my best friends and they put her to sleep..

You probably would never guess this about my family, would you?

Guess you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.

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