You Build Me Up And Then I fall Apart.

I’m stupid for getting my hopes up yet again

only this time they were high hopes

and I sent a lot of love out to the universe only to get punched in the face

as well as the gut

I’m like a stupid girl

who thinks someday

I’m going to be magically saved by a prince

with glorious long hair

a beard

and eyes like the sea

maybe I’ve had my happiness

or something like that

maybe even though

I’ve been saved by God

he still thinks I’m not good enough

or I think I’m not good enough

or someone is punishing me for feeling too much

and for being so real

I don’t know

even though

I have faith in God now

and I’ve given myself to him

I still feel like no one can understand me

I still feel like I don’t belong

I still feel like I’m too different to really be like anyone else

maybe I’m stupid

to want what I want

maybe I’m a fool for

wanting angel wings so bad my heart could burst into a thousand pieces

maybe I ask for too much

maybe I expect too much

maybe I admire simple people too much

maybe I’m not even human

I’ve got none of those answers

I haven’t been able to sleep correctly for days

I was attacked last night

by demons..

ya wanna know how that felt?

my entire body was pushed against my bed

eat to the mattress

then I got the largest pain I have ever felt

it was like something was tugging at my heart again

only I could see what it was doing

I couldn’t speak

I just cried and cried

until I felt my eyes close and I saw a white light

when that happens

I do often wish for death

I wish I could stop suffering

from pain that doesn’t even belong to me

from feeling energy in places and people

God, all I’ve ever asked for is for someone to..

someone to..

to just hold me when I cry

when I’m falling apart

and don’t feel at home

that’s all

its not asking for much

and I’ve asked you a billion times

I’ve been asking since

you remember

don’t you remember?

why do I have to feel like this?

when will I be good enough for someone?

Drastic Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

For some reason 

I found myself breaking down 

and crying so much I couldn’t really breath 

without wailing and screaming WHY?

then asking 

WHY take my best friend from me?

WHY kill the baby inside my stomach? 

and 

WHY make me fall in love with someone who viciously tore my heart out and never wanted to return my love in the first place?

I still feel like crying 

and for some dumbass reason

I heard someone talking to me 

a male 

and he said 

“Zoe I love you” 

then I heard 

“I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry”

I’ve been trying to be what society calls strong

smiling and not shedding a tear 

but I can’t do that 

the two people that I told everything to

are gone 

and one is dead 

which leaves a gaping hole in my heart

I don’t think there is anything I could have done to make him stay 

I should have told him how I really felt 

I should have told him that I loved him

but that probably wouldn’t have done much either

he thinks we don’t fit well together

all because I get angry with small words 

I’d say that’s pretty bad judgement 

the most important thing to a woman 

is her time 

and I wasted a lot of that on him 

thinking that maybe he could love me too

seduced by mere words 

I should have taken it as a sign 

when he showed up three hours late

I no longer feel a need to be angry with him

but just thinking about him does make me sad 

he wouldn’t even come over around 8 pm like I asked 

which is selfish 

and it was selfish of me to ask 

but he would have haled ass over to see me if he really liked me

I don’t know if he’s ever going to care about me again 

I still feel as if he left without saying goodbye 

just like my dog did 

loosing her probably hurts the most for me 

but I’ve never loved anyone like I loved him 

what hurts me most about our situation 

is that he left without even saying goodbye really 

and he just started treating my disrespectfully 

I am unsure about what I would do if he spoke to me like a real human being

I don’t think he cares enough to make things right between us 

I don’t think he wants me in his life anymore 

I’m just a worn out pair of shoes

cast to the side 

no longer important 

and that does hurt 

and it makes me question if I really knew him at all

my guts been feeling funny 

it keeps telling me that something is going to happen 

and I wont be prepared for it 

that freaks me out 

then again it could be something good

but I’m not sure 

I just know that it’s going to change my life

in a pretty fucking big way

I want love more then anything in the world 

I don’t want to get hurt again

I’m done feeling that shit now

I can’t take much more of it 

two deaths 

and a broken heart 

no more of that please 

please give me what I deserve 

that love that lasts forever 

and happiness and joy 

that stays 

let it stay 

 

 

I Just Wanna Know You Better Know You Better Now Know You Better Now

What do you think of me?

even now..

is the reason you keep quiet 

because you think

that if you talk to me 

again that you will 

like me more then before?

or could you be hiding your true feelings for me?

you never said you didn’t like me 

and you never said you loved me 

the past is over with

our relationship in that time is done 

we have three choices 

the first is to not speak to each other 

the second is to be friends 

and the third 

see what happens the second time we meet 

wither it’s meaningless sex 

or the start of a new relationship

but it all depends on 

what happens when we see each other 

face to face 

you know that as well as I 

maybe 

time will be on our side 

this time 

I have been so happy lately 

my head is no longer in the past 

I’m quite successful 

I haven’t thought a whole ton 

about you 

but I found this picture

from one of my favorite memory’s of us 

the way you are looking at me in this picture 

I miss that 

and I do waste my time missing you 

not often 

just when necessary 

I know you may not say that you do 

but I think you do 

even if the feeling 

is buried deep inside you 

I dream’t of you 

last night 

it felt very real

almost too real 

I have a huge feeling 

that it was vision 

and that it will come true 

do you remember that thing I said to you before we got together?

I think I said please don’t leave me 

and don’t be like the rest of them 

or something like that 

you are nothing like the rest of them 

and I think I know why 

I wont tell you why 

because you already know 

and that is why my vision will come true 

you will get jealous when/if I start dating again 

if your not already jealous of the ones 

who have started conversing with me 

since you left 

I made a deal with an old flame 

that if I’m not in a relationship this summer 

and he isn’t either 

then it’s going to be like no strings attached 

no emotion 

just sex 

if that doesn’t make you jealous 

I don’t know what will 

I may not have been “officially” 

your “girlfriend”

but I was your woman 

and if I know Leo men correctly 

what was once theirs 

is always theirs 

that is why my ex boyfriend 

who was a Leo said 

“Zoe, I will always love you”

hint hint 

Scorpio’s are possessive too 

only when they get possessive they are also obsessive 

and I had every right to be 

I never met your friends 

or your family 

and it seemed to me like you didn’t want to meet mine 

so what was I suppose to do? 

I was gonna wait till the right time 

I do 

still feel hurt by you 

turning your back on me like you did 

I’ve had worse 

much much worse 

but you most likely broke my heart 

into tiny little pieces 

and shattered who I thought I was 

but I was lucky enough 

to still be able to look in the mirror 

and see myself 

the same beautiful young woman 

it didn’t take long for me to pick up the pieces 

and glue them together again 

even if I cut my hands 

I gave you what you wanted 

but did you give me what I wanted?

I guess

maybe 

but you never really gave us a chance 

for me to love you 

and that is what I wanted 

was to love you 

there still is a chance for that 

my vision proves it 

I’ve learned a lot 

I’ve learned that I don’t need to repeat myself 

or over analyze my emotions 

and tell the whole world about it 

quite an accomplishment on my part 

I’m saying I’ve changed 

but I guess I have 

I feel like I’m a much better person 

now 

it’s pretty cool

I wrote in my previous post 

about how I’m reading up on being a better lover in the bed 

and that I feel much more sexy then before 

etc 

I mean I’ve always loved myself 

but now it’s just a bit more 

okay a lot more 

just not in a vain or narcissistic way 

I don’t like it when people put themselves down

so I plan not to do that anymore 

and thank others when I am complimented 

although I did that before 

I have this overwhelming feeling 

in my heart 

it’s a mix of sadness and joy 

I’m not really sure how that could be 

my gut could be wrong 

the vision may never come true 

but it also could be right 

it’s only a matter of time 

till I see you again 

I think..

after that 

no more maybe’s 

just straightforward answers 

I bought my first pair of sexy heels 

yesterday 

they make my legs look AWH-MAZING

alright 

well thank all 130 of you 

for reading my blog posts 

your support is fantastic 

all my love! 

-Zoe