You Build Me Up And Then I fall Apart.

I’m stupid for getting my hopes up yet again

only this time they were high hopes

and I sent a lot of love out to the universe only to get punched in the face

as well as the gut

I’m like a stupid girl

who thinks someday

I’m going to be magically saved by a prince

with glorious long hair

a beard

and eyes like the sea

maybe I’ve had my happiness

or something like that

maybe even though

I’ve been saved by God

he still thinks I’m not good enough

or I think I’m not good enough

or someone is punishing me for feeling too much

and for being so real

I don’t know

even though

I have faith in God now

and I’ve given myself to him

I still feel like no one can understand me

I still feel like I don’t belong

I still feel like I’m too different to really be like anyone else

maybe I’m stupid

to want what I want

maybe I’m a fool for

wanting angel wings so bad my heart could burst into a thousand pieces

maybe I ask for too much

maybe I expect too much

maybe I admire simple people too much

maybe I’m not even human

I’ve got none of those answers

I haven’t been able to sleep correctly for days

I was attacked last night

by demons..

ya wanna know how that felt?

my entire body was pushed against my bed

eat to the mattress

then I got the largest pain I have ever felt

it was like something was tugging at my heart again

only I could see what it was doing

I couldn’t speak

I just cried and cried

until I felt my eyes close and I saw a white light

when that happens

I do often wish for death

I wish I could stop suffering

from pain that doesn’t even belong to me

from feeling energy in places and people

God, all I’ve ever asked for is for someone to..

someone to..

to just hold me when I cry

when I’m falling apart

and don’t feel at home

that’s all

its not asking for much

and I’ve asked you a billion times

I’ve been asking since

you remember

don’t you remember?

why do I have to feel like this?

when will I be good enough for someone?

Drunk On Body Heat

Clearly she had had too much to drink, or maybe it was just the fact that her body was so small and the alcohol made her tipsy quite fast, she giggled, yup defiantly tipsy, getting completely smashed just wasn’t her thing. 

“So.. wanna see if I’m wearing any underwear?” she spoke in a sexy way, only she was half laughing, which to him just made the woman even more beautiful then she already was. 

His eyes lit up but he stayed put. One of his friends came over to her instead. You could tell the two weren’t very close but he was a friend none the less. 

“Come here girly” said the friend, trying to unzip her pants in a not so nice way, he put his hands around her neck. He smelled of vodka and heavily of weed, bad combination. 

She stopped giggling and started to cry, then she screamed. 

Her date got up from the couch, and walked fast over to them 

“WHAT THE FUCK MAN?!” he yelled, taking his friends hands away from the girl. 

But he wasn’t finished, “WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO HER HUH? GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY GIRL! NO YOU KNOW WHAT JUST GET OUT OF HERE” 

His so called casual friend ran his ass right out of the house as quickly as possible. She lay there on the floor, her eyes filled with tears. He picked her up and took her in another room, away from the rest of the peeps. He closed the door behind them gently. 

Putting her on the bed, letting her let out her tears. She was so sensitive and so different then any other girl he’d met, pretty soon he found himself laying next to her, she was completely naked as was he but they were just laying there in silence until…

“I’m sorry he did that to you, I didn’t invite the guy, he’s no longer a friend of mine” He held her closer as he said this and gave her a kiss on the neck. 

She looked at him and gave him a smile. He kissed her whole body now. 

She felt her body heat rise and little sparks everywhere he kissed. He wouldn’t let her go. He hadn’t felt a connection like this in such a long time. Just the feeling of her in his arms was enough. 

It didn’t matter if they were tipsy or sober, the connection was always there.

It’s Been Written in The Scars of Our Hearts

Why is it we accept what we think we deserve? 

I feel like it comes from events and insecurities

my mind has been wandering on this subject

I realize now 

that 

a lot of the time I honestly had no idea 

what I deserved 

it doesn’t matter if people were nice to me 

or if they tried to get closer 

or if they treated me like shit 

I would still push them away because I didn’t know

I actually know a few people who have gone through that same thing 

it’s the not knowing that can freak a person out 

I’ve had people play that card the whole

“I don’t deserve you”  shit 

I told you all I could spot an asshole in a second 

believe me 

but anyway’s

I know how scary it can be to not know 

to not even see that you do deserve what is right in front of you 

and what is going to happen to you 

but you’ve gotta take that first step

you’ve gotta let yourself fall 

things are much better then they have ever been for me right now

the past is gone 

I trust you

I know that this is different 

for us both

and probably a little weird

since we are so young 

and a connection

like we’ve got is something grand

I can’t promise you that we won’t argue 

because I’m sure we will sometimes

most likely less then before but yeah 

I can’t promise you that I wont miss you when your gone

but I can promise you 

that I will never intentionally hurt you

whoever hurt you before 

she is different then me 

just as you are different then who hurt me 

this is real

I am human and I do want to be with you

I tell you quite a lot 

I don’t see what is keeping us from moving forward 

and letting us just happen

I mean shouldn’t we be there already? 

everything is great 

everything is grand

let us 

fucking happen

I did hesitate to write all of this

but I have a big mouth sometimes

and a blog so where the hell do I write it? haha

I wish you’d call me “beautiful” 

just once that’s all I ask

I’m sorry that you are the one person 

that I honestly would dread 

loosing hope in

and your actually 

the first person besides

Ellen DeGeneres  

who can make me laugh and smile so much it hurts my face

that is saying a lot 

I think you saved me once 

was it you who said that it would be dreadfully terrible if I killed myself because then we wouldn’t have this connection?

then we discussed the afterlife? 

it was you wasn’t it? 

pretty sure you saved me from doing stupid things too

but I remember this most

Well I think your amazing

oh gosh look at the time

I should probably sleep

Goodnight