Too Afraid to Open Up, Maybe Someday I’ll be Enough

Heart broken
Too many times
So many stupid guys
Tears shed
For loss of another
Rigid past
Gone smooth
You don’t listen
To a woman
When she’s told you
“I’ve been abused”
No they want sex
Just like before
One after the other
Walks out the door
Legs and feet ache
For a cure
Questions asked
Feelings felt
All she can see
Is the blackness of his belt
Blood splattered
Seventeen
Years old
She was just
A child
Rejection takes it’s tole
One tally after another
The warrior
Feels helpless
Unappreciated
Disrespected
For she is always
Unarmed
With nothing
But her heart

Creep

She’s afraid of
The man who
Created her
He is filled
with anger
A narcissist
A faker
She’s scared
That he will
Rape her
Since he’s lost
His identity
He abuses her
With words
And won’t let her
Leave
She only stays
In fear of her
Sisters safety
They both
Need to be free
Of him
She hopes
Soon
They will be
Able to
Leave

Choked

She felt his
Hand around her neck
Just like
Before
It scared her
Feeling as if
She cannot breath
She try’s so hard
To get rid of this feeling
A distant look
Oh her face
Hurt
And the feeling
Of disgrace
She kissed her
Shoulder
It didn’t
Do anything
Then rubbed
Her hands on her
Arms
But nothing
Seems
To work

The Dreaded Ex

Words are seen

they bring back 

the past 

the memories

making her 

want to run

very fast 

shadows 

follow

after 

she let them 

all go 

missed phone calls 

creepy sounding messages

they just can’t 

seem to let her go 

her wings 

will take her far 

if the 

man 

she loves 

will have her

away 

from all 

that was 

deep into 

their future 

away from 

the exes 

of the past 

to a place 

where they know 

each other 

best 

 

The Sweet Silence of a Troubled Past (short story)

“Heyyyy… you be real beautiful baybay” slurred the drunk across the bar, his greasy black hair practically shining in the bar light, he had no facial hair but plenty of cuts on his face and an eye that wasn’t completely open.

 He grinned a sly disgusting grin and licked his lips, starring at the young bartender in a deceitful and quite frightening way. 

She looked offended, her brown hair in a ponytail, her black dress and apron on appropriately, a sword necklace around her neck with small fake diamond earring in her ears.  She looked far from average, that bright red lipstick and glowing green/brown eyes. Absolutely beautiful. 

She was cleaning the glasses, gazing around the bar. 

He sat right in front of her and stuck out his hand “Well prettayy lady, you gonna suck my dick tonight you nasty whore?” he asked as he licked his purple lips again, putting a hand on the bar table reaching for her. 

She gasped, a frightful look appeared on her beautiful pale face. She hated drunks, she hated the smell of the alcohol on them and how they wreaked of it. Her ex boyfriend had used alcohol as an excuse to beat her and rape her whenever he could get his hands on her, so she only drank beer since that was the one thing he would never touch or he could bring himself to touch, it was only vodka. 

“Sir” she spoke very firmly “I have no interest in you, I will never have an interest in you, your a drunk, now please go home, I can ask someone to call in a taxi for you” she said this as nicely and as harshly as she could bring herself to

“FINE!” he yelled “but your missin’ out baybay” he winked at her and made his way out of the bar. One of her co-workers escorted him out. 

Her friend Pedro came out from the other side of the bar.

“Another drunk ass hitting on you?” he asked looking quite concerned.

“Yeah.. I really don’t get it, it’s like I’m a target or something” she shrugged still a tad frazzled from what just happened.

“Well thank god you’ve got someone to come home to after work, that Roger is one lucky man. Oh and you still coming to the band practice this weekend? you know Tyrone’s gonna be there it’ll give you two a chance to catch up a bit. I promise you Johnny isn’t there… he’s getting out of jail soon though I heard.. I hope he doesn’t start stalking you again” 

She bit her lip so hard she left a mark, she sighed then put her elbows on the bar table and her head in her hand, “Yeah, thank you, I know, you wouldn’t believe how much shit I went threw to just see that it was him all along and have me see him” she laughed a bit, “Well maybe, I haven’t really played my banjo in like two days and I’m not entirely sure if Roger would be pleased with me spending time with Tyrone, I’m also pretty sure Tyrone doesn’t give a fuck about me so yeah.. and about the whole” she sort of gasped for air “Johnny thing.. do not under any circumstances tell him I work here or who I am friends with or who I am romantically evolved with GOT IT?!!” 

She felt a slight urge of panic creep into her mind, FUCK FUCK FUCK. 

Pedro padded her shoulder, “it’s okay Zee, you’ll be okay buddy. Besides, you’ve got Roger to protect you and myself if you’d like” he smiled sweetly, running his fingers threw his bleached hair. 

Zee shook her head “He’s leaving on a business trip for a few month’s Pete, you have no idea what Johnny is capable of, how many guns he has on hand and different cars he can use to find me” 

she put her hand over her eyes as if she was going to cry “Roger doesn’t know about that part of my past… I couldn’t bring myself to tell him, you know what happens when he gets angry, the things he says, I didn’t want him to get in trouble because of me” 

“But you guys are getting married in the fall, your going to Paris for christ’s sake! Zee you need to tell him, he loves you he’ll protect you” 

“Like Zane did? Zane ended up in the hospital with a broken foot and he told me to just ‘FUCK OFF’, I won’t let anything like that happen with Roger. Roger is different, I’m not 100% sure why he’s different but my heart is different with him then it’s ever been with anyone else” 

“Zane was a prick, he thought more about himself then he did you, making you pay for things and give him blow jobs and shit, Zee, Roger loves you, he really fucking loves you, he’s no average Joe, he really cares about you, remember that one time when you got lost and you were completely high and drunk? because you missed him? because he was so damn far away in some freezing cold place? remember that?” 

“He spent the night at my apartment after picking me up at the sculpture garden, I was sitting under a tree pouting because my so called friends ditched me, he took me home, I begged him to stay, we had sex, he told me he had always loved me, three weeks later he asked me to marry him” 

“Yes, exactly, see he’s gonna protect you, you need to tell him so that he doesn’t leave on this business trip” 

“Pete, everyone leaves anyway. Roger might just meet some fluzzy and fuck her then leave me” 

“Zee, shut up, don’t ever talk like that, EVER, you gotta believe that he cares about you and loves you girl! Roger would not be pleased to hear you talking like this” 

“He doesn’t want to love me Pete, he wants some blonde haired blue eyed image, some dream girl in his head that I can’t be, he doesn’t want some singing naked artist who plays the banjo, lives in water, sleeps on a mattress on the floor and has reddish brown hair instead of yellow and green-brown eyes instead of blue…” 

“You say he doesn’t see it sometimes while you two are more similar then you thought, you don’t see it all either, he keeps some of it very well hidden. He want’s you Zee, can’t you see that? we can all see it in the way he looks at you.. and the way he holds you.. Zee he cares, so much, I mean he wants to marry you, he wants you to have his children” 

“Alright, then I’m not going to let him go on this business trip and I’ll tell him right when I get home” 

“good idea! I’ll lock up okay” 

“okay! have a great night pete! see you this weekend!” 

She made her way out the door, bag in hand, this was going to be one night she’d always remember. 

The night that, all of her fears seemed to just fade away. 

When she got home, she told Roger everything. From the moment she met Johnny to the terrible year and a half of abuse she had to put up with. 

He held her in his arms and kissed her face and stroked her hair as she cried, he even let himself cry too, he was so much like her in this way, he never let himself cry in front of anyone yet the sadness in her eyes and running down her face brought sadness into his eyes as well, he tried to hold back his tears but he ended up letting them rain down on her arm. 

Roger had no choice but to go on the business trip, but how could he protect her if he was so far away? Johnny had the ability to find her, sooner or later he’d know and she would be dead. 

He couldn’t let that happen. Zee couldn’t come with him, she had too much to do where they were now, he would have to come back for her. 

But how long would it take for Johnny to find her? how quickly could he snatch her up and break every bone in her small body? he couldn’t bring himself to think the worst. 

The two of them couldn’t bring themselves to sleep, so they just lay there together, completely wrapped in each others arms like a potato in foil, so close, so warm, so yummy, just the feeling of togetherness, though they held each other often this was different, this just showed their passion and devotion to each other. 

This feeling between them, this peaceful silence they both felt after the flow of sadness showed how true their love for each other actually was and how much work was put into it to get to where they are. 

They would protect each other. 

 

The Clock is Ticking, Will She Survive?

I guess this is something personal about me so I’m not sure if its a good thing to share but… I’ve had visions of myself dying at a young age if I didn’t fall in love or find who I am suppose to be with. I guess that explains why I fall in love so easily and why I never really give up. I’m not afraid of death I just would really like to live my life and it scares me that it could end. That’s why I value time so much because I don’t know when it will happen or if any of my dreams will come true. If ill even get what I want before I die. It’s hard for me to imagine not living and not getting to that place where I want to be so badly, I always shoot for the stars, I always say things that I mean and try not to leave things unsaid. I can’t see my future without being loved by someone, I just can’t see it and I can’t pull myself forward without that. I’m sorry I just told all of you this, I know I’ll probably be around longer but right now I’m terrified that it might come true. I don’t want that. I don’t want to die, I can’t die. I know that my heart is big and can’t take rejection easily at all, I know that brings pain to me and I do want the pain to stop but it’s never going to and I feel like each time my heart is physically broken I do die a little until someone is willing to try to bring me back to life.. I’m not sure when that will be and I hope it’s soon. I want to live, I want to be a wife and a mother to my future children, I want a house by a lake and someone to love me unconventionally over and over again with a passion and devotion like no other, I want that more then anything in the whole world and right now I feel like time could be running out..

Who Are You To Judge Me?

Who are you to judge me?

just because I opened my legs for you means you know me?

I don’t think so 

I don’t think you tried 

to know me 

but what can I do now?

nothing 

since you treat me like “nothing”

“nothing” you shall be 

but that still gives you no right to judge me 

do you know my story?

no, you’ve only heard small parts of it 

do you know enough of me to judge me?

no, so don’t even try 

when we were “together” 

even though you would not let us be “together” 

you did nothing but tell me what was wrong with me 

what troubled you about me 

and who you thought I was 

accusing me of having flaws that I do not have 

nor do I fucking care about 

so you think you know me aye? 

you think you’ve mastered 

every piece, every part of me?

your wrong 

my words are just words 

my actions mean much more 

all you ever used was words 

and most of them you didn’t mean 

so why should mine mean more then yours?

just because I agreed with your accusations of what you considered my flaws mean they are true?

no. 

so who are you to judge me?

your the one still depending on his mother like a little boy 

and I’m just about on my way to moving out 

so who are you to judge me?

I may not have a real job yet or be in school 

but at least I have a bigger heart then you 

and I don’t leave people there waiting 

because I’m done waiting for you 

I’m done thinking of you 

I’m done talking to you 

your ignorance

is nothing close to bliss 

your mind judges far to easily what it doesn’t know 

your more scared of the planet and failing then I ever could be 

you want me to judge you? 

because maybe I will 

I mean I do think that any guy who doesn’t like me or even think I’m attractive must be gay 

since this girl, who is me, is so fucking attractive 

but then again 

I’ve met men who love men 

who find me beautiful

and I’ve met woman who love woman

who find me beautiful

it’s just your loss to be missing out

on all of this

I could let you in again

I could

but I’m not sure if I want to

you never proved yourself to me

except for that one night

where you kissed my face and my lips like crazy

but did that mean anything to you?

probably not..

but then again I don’t know

so who are you to judge me?

when you sit on your ass and don’t try

so who are you to judge me?

when you were the one that said goodbye

 

Some Friends Have Left & Some Have Stayed, I’ve Trusted One and Been Betrayed

So last night around 

10 PM 

I was a combination 

of tired and drunk

and being as short as I am

alcohol can make me tipsy easily 

so that is what happened 

only I think I was pretty hammered 

so I thought it would be a good idea

to Facebook message 

the male who left me 

and who I have a unborn baby with

I told him many things 

I’m pretty sure I told him about the bra and matching thong 

I had bought just for him 

to see me in 

and I told him all about the dress I have 

lets see 

oh yeah 

I told him one of my deepest darkest secrets that no one knows about 

I repeat no one 

so that could bite me in the ass someday 

but then again I also told him

well asked him more like 

why does he hurt me all the time when all I do is care about him 

stupid really 

but I was drunk and tears come easily to me 

I think I texted him too

I remember crying while texting him 

and that’s when the secret came out 

FUCK

no, I’m not going to tell you all 

because you already know some of it 

but he’s the only human in the world he knows the real thing 

and I gotta admit 

I mean’t all of what I wrote to him

while I was drunk

I think

yeah..

I watched the movie RENT 

also so..

I made some references

oh what a nerd

I don’t remember that stuff

all I remember is the things that I felt were really important

like the dress and bar and stuff

the calling me babe

the text messages

the hurting

and asking him to beat me up

telling him how I’ve been beat before

and how it wouldn’t make a damn difference

since he’s hurt me so much

and then saying I should have been the one to die

not the baby..

I mean’t all of that

I mean everything I say all of the time

but sometimes I like to emphasize 

over and over again

till I get what I want 

but I see now that 

it’s never really a good idea

because it can stress people out 

but I hate it when people avoid a certain subject 

like he avoids talking about the baby with me

when that is what I need most 

and I want him to be here to help me 

to get over this pain

but I still don’t want to give up

I’ve never had a connection like I’ve got with him 

with anyone 

and I know right now 

he’s too blind to see it or to feel it 

mind over what matters 

if you will 

I think he gave me more flaws 

because he was scared about this whole baby thing 

so he ran away 

not very gentleman or manly like at all

the more he avoids me 

the more hurt and numb I have begun to feel

I want to be with him

but he wont listen to me 

and I guess I didn’t listen to him before 

but he exaggerated that too

but I did try

I tried very very hard 

and he didn’t do a damn fucking thing 

he was only here for me once 

just once 

when I was crying and he texted me 

he couldn’t pick up the phone and call like I wanted 

and I called when I thought I hurt him

but really he was just distancing himself from me 

so that I didn’t get hurt 

but I did 

I always do

I really thought he was gonna stay 

I was so sure of it too

then he plays all of these tricks with my head 

he says something but does another 

maybe I was wrong to trust him in the first place 

but I wanted to be the one person on this planet who knows more about him then anyone else 

but he hardly let me in 

I’m sure if I died 

he wouldn’t care 

and he wouldn’t cry

you know 

I do remember everything he ever said to me 

so I do listen 

but he wont listen to me 

the boy 

yes he is a boy in my eyes now

no longer a man 

the boy will not listen

 the man will care and try

he’s no man

a man would come over to my house and apologize 

beg for forgiveness and to have my hand in his 

a boy sits at home, reads what I say and makes no action 

congrats 

you know what that makes you?

MORE PATHETIC THEN MY EX BOYFRIEND 

which does make you different 

because at least he called me at 4 AM 

saying he wanted me back and he still loved me 

that is CLOSER then what you have been doing 

to a MAN 

you may look like a man at first glance 

but inside your just a scared little boy 

and inside me 

I’m a sad young woman 

but I don’t let people see that 

I may have given you a peak but whats the use if you wont even TRY for US 

I did more for you then you ever could have done for me 

and I didn’t selfishly expect anything but kisses and to have you care 

that is all I ever wanted from you 

now look at us 

together in a room

we are happy and attracted to each other 

now we are paralyzed 

because your the one that wont try 

that makes you no different then the others who didn’t try with me 

I’ll admit I have my mistakes in this 

but at least I am owning up to them 

unlike you 

Before all of this 

I saw a real man 

who had a lot of affection and kindness inside him 

and wanted nothing more then to see me smile 

now all I see is a selfish scared little boy who wont budge an inch 

so you decide 

are you a man or a boy?

I’m done 

being your toy 

Your Vibrations Move Me

I’m going to go off of my last post 

but this time 

likes actually talk about fear

I told you all that I am afraid of not being loved 

the reason I feel this and am afraid of not being loved 

is because 

my father, my grandfather, sometimes my mom

they don’t show it 

my own father scares me 

just as my grandfather did 

neither of them could ever show me or tell me they loved me 

it was always about my little sister

who still is the favorite child

who gets the presents 

who is the exact opposite of me 

both of my parents never could understand my artistic brilliance 

or my intelligence for that matter

my father has never been proud of me 

when I show him my artwork I get no praise 

but that wont stop me from doing what I love 

I watched my father break my stepmoms hearts 

I had woman who were best friends taken from me 

and for a girl trying to become a teenager 

it was hard

so naturally it became hard for me to let people in 

so I’d push others away

I push people away till I have to beg them to stay 

because sometimes I like that feeling 

the feeling of almost jumping off that swing and landing on my two feet 

but I was wrong 

I was so fucking wrong 

I promised myself I would never do that again

it hurts me 

I used to like hurting myself like that 

cutting 

I’d burn myself too

till I screamed 

my skin would pop up like bubbles 

it would have charcoal on it 

and I would smell burning flesh

somehow 

I can’t go back to that 

because I know 

I belong here 

I’m suppose to be here 

IM SUPPOSE TO BE HERE 

you get me?

I love love so much 

I love it with every fiber of my being 

sometimes I still feel incomplete 

but no human is complete

we grow everyday

we don’t change 

we grow 

everyone is different 

people never grow apart

they can only grow closer

that’s why we struggle 

when we struggle together 

it just means there is something beyond our wildest dreams 

so never give up 

when things are tough

because they can only get better

 

Title Undetermined

I have so many questions in my head

my heart hurts 

my eyes are wet with tears 

I hate this 

I hate this so fucking much

and I don’t hate things usually

it’s like my heart is dangling from a string 

and he’s the one dangling it!

I’ve been thinking about my feelings too

and I will not leave this 

I will stay 

I have no fucking choice 

my feelings are what they are

I don’t give a damn if he doesn’t feel the same way

we feel differently 

everyone feels differently 

I feel strong emotions with you

I fucking cried 

I cried because you make me feel so happy 

so fucking happy 

this is the second time I have cried over you

you can’t leave me and I know your not going to

I hope your not going to 

you said you would stay

you said your not giving up 

I love being with you 

I love talking with you

yes, i’ll take responsibility for my being a bitch and freaking out so much at the start

it’s just what I do when I’m scared 

I freak out 

or don’t say anything until I explode

have your opinion on my flaws 

I don’t care 

nobody is fucking perfect 

not even you 

not me 

no one 

perfection is an illusion 

I haven’t even gotten my period when I was suppose to 

so if I don’t get it soon 

then I’m pregnant

(I doubt that though)

if that happens then oh well

I’ll have a tough decision to make

 

then i’ll have to find someway to explain to my family who the father is

I doubt I am though

I have been trying to wrap my head around

this whole fucking thing

maybe I’m trying to be in your shoes too much

I don’t understand why men need so much time to think about how they feel

when woman just go ahead and talk about everything

I’m so confused right now

Yet my gut keeps yelling at me

SOON

what the fuck does SOON mean right now?

SOON YOU TWO WILL BE TOGETHER

SOON HE WILL TELL YOU HIS FEELINGS FOR YOU

SOON YOU WILL HAVE A BROKEN HEART (hahaha, laughing at that one, since i doubt it!)

SOON A MONKEY WILL STEAL YOUR WALLET

SOON YOU WILL BE MADLY DEEPLY TRULY IN LOVE LIKE YOU WANT 

SOON YOU WILL GET NEW SHOES

what the fuck does it mean?

my intuition is telling me

“Everything’s going to work out, it’s all going to be okay, stop freaking out”  

I’m scared 

I’m scared I’m going to loose the one person who means so much to me 

I’m scared he’s gonna leave me even though he said he wouldn’t 

I just need a hug right now 

and all these stupid false remarks 

that probably aren’t even why this is happening 

god damnit 

I just wish I knew 

what SOON meant 

so far 

I’ve felt nothing negative 

towards what is going to happen 

so it must be something good

and now I am done freaking out 

hahaha

WOW

I gotta work more on controlling my ups and downs 

I’ll work on that too

give me a week and I can probably master it more

I just feel so much you know?

sometimes the emotions stay for a long time 

and sometimes they just go away after an outburst

I have been called “crazy”

a few million times 

because of that 

and I have lost people because of it 

sometimes its a good thing 

sometimes it just not all that helpful 

I told you before that my mother likes to call me Bi-Polar

but that’s not it 

I just have a gift 

that not many people really have 

I feel emotions/energy in everything 

wither its a carbonized life form or a house 

if someone died recently in your family in your house 

I can probably feel their energy they left behind or see their spirit 

or another example 

we got my dog Bella from a puppy shelter 

when she came home with us she was scared and wouldn’t really go near us 

I projected my positive loving energy into her and now she is a happy dog 

by saying the simple words 

“I love you” and petting her

those words can do so much magic 

they can heal so much hurt 

my mother tells me that its basically sending love 

if you think of someones face 

and say 

“I love you” more then three times 

I have had to constantly tell myself 

“I love you”

in order to actually love myself 

it took me a year 

maybe more 

to fully accept myself 

to let go of my past 

yes, I do still look for comfort 

I tried looking for comfort and love and someone who would accept me for myself in every way and in spite of everything 

I didn’t have to look this time 

I just about gave up and stopped looking 

till what I wanted came my way 

I’ll tell you all what 

I’ll conquer my fears 

if you conquer some of yours 

I’m afraid people will leave me 

and above all things 

I’m afraid of never getting love or being loved

I used to be scared of the dark 

I used to be scared of clowns 

I used to be scared of success 

but I’m not afraid of those anymore 

I’m just afraid of not being loved 

a lot of the time 

I used to ask myself 

“what if I never get that love?”

I thought something like that I could never deserve 

but 

I guess 

in spite of everything 

I do deserve it

I deserve it so fucking much

and you all know it 

you know 

I think everyone deserves that true love 

it doesn’t have to be like the movies either 

it can be your own special true love 

I’m not saying its going to be true love 

like mister perfect or miss banging body 

will find you 

but someone who makes you the happiest 

you have ever been will find you 

and you will find them 

promise me you wont ever give up on that?

someone very intelligent and brave told me to never give up

he also gives the best kisses

but anyway 

never give up 

because what you have wanted all your life 

will find you 

you just have to push what your afraid of away

yes, being scared is all part of being human

but it only lasts for so long 

you can’t let fear run your life 

you can’t let it consume you 

to a point where you can no longer see whats with you and in front of you 

I’m going to keep telling myself I deserve love and that I am loved 

because I AM 

I realize now 

that I

soon 

will be ready for a relationship

maybe before your ready 

I’ll be ready

or maybe right when you are

I will be too

please stay with me