A Strongly Worded Letter to Valentines Day

Dear Valentines Day, 

You are a completely overrated “Holiday” 

I could care less that you happen to have “history” behind all the card giving and chocolate consuming. 

I have been single for three god damn years and you expect me to “celebrate” you when I have no significant other? 

I know you probably don’t realize this but you make people who are alone even more lonely, it doesn’t matter if we are loved and have tons of friends, you make us feel like shit. 

I don’t like you. I don’t like you at all. I have such a BIG ASS problem with you. 

Do you know why this is? huh? 

Well lets see, I’ve never had a date on this day.

I have had a “visit” on this day,

Where years ago when I was incredibly stupid and in love with this guy who didn’t give a flying fuck about me, this is the same fucking asshole who beat me up and took my virginity and broke my cute little teenage heart! Do you know what he gave me and what I gave him? yes, we exchanged gifts big fucking surprise.. 

I gave him cupcakes that I made and the idiot gave me a necklace he stole while he was in mexico with his family off a street vendor. It was purple cut glass and in the shape of a heart, I threw that thing into the river a year later. 

You know what he said to me? he said that in his culture that necklace was going to give me protection away from negative things.. but he lied. He fucking lied to me. Even if I wore that piece of junk around him he still would have hurt me physically. 

You can tell me a million times to get over this shit but to be quite honest, You bring this back, this stupid memory that I blocked out for who knows how long and now that it’s that time of year again where all the people who are madly in love fuck until sunset I am still just sitting eating chocolate, hating today and reminded of my past relationships and all the fucking mistakes I did because of you VALENTNIES DAY 

If I’m not mistaken Saint Valentine killed people, I’m pretty sure that’s true and FYI V-day, we aren’t living in the time of Jesus Christ. so why do what saint’s did apply so much to our own reality? 

Yes, I want love. I want it so badly I used to be addicted to it and now I still don’t know what to think about it wither I’m head over heels in love with someone or not. 

Love is not meant to make you feel stupid, insecure, fake, anything negative. Do you understand?

Yes, people who care about each other hurt each other but I’ve learned that those negative things that people label and place themselves just has nothing to do with love. In fact it’s the opposite of love and if you think youre not fucked up too then damn are you wrong, not one person on this planet is perfect, not one human being made of flesh and bone looks 100% the same. not one. Even if you’re a twin or a triplet, that kind of thing. 

Your identity isn’t your view on things or how you look, it’s what your heart looks like, it’s how you treat other people. 

I don’t know everything, I wish I did, I wish I could tell other girls to not love so easily, I wish woman wouldn’t get raped like I did, I wish I could help them but I can’t, the only thing I can do is vollenteer and give money. I’d give anything to help those young girls on the streets who don’t know what’s coming to them. 

I have tears in my eyes right now just thinking about what those beautiful baby girls have to go through. It’s not fair. To be hurt so young. 

When you’re a teenager, you think you know so much and you think you’ve been through so much but you haven’t. You don’t know as much as you think you do. I wish I had known that. 

I wish I had been told that relationships aren’t perfect and that your first boyfriend, your first serious relationship isn’t going to be how you want it to be, you can’t marry this boy, you can’t have a future with him, you have to get hurt, you have to. 

I remember that I so badly just wanted to give him everything, I loved him that much that I wanted him to want me to be his everything but the reality of it was that I didn’t mean anything to him, I was a pawn in his game and I was blinded by real love and after it all burned to pieces. 

I became scared of fully loving. I stopped believing and hoping someone could love me. To be honest I still find it hard to believe. I don’t see how someone could want to sacrifice so much of themselves to love me. 

I’m still a very sensitive person. Maybe not as much as before but I am. I am called “selfish”, not because I want so much but I think it’s because I want so little.. 

I realize that now. I really don’t ask much of anyone.. and it’s selfish of me to do so much of what others ask. 

I’ve said before that all I ever really want is a place to call “home” or to just be with someone who cares about me. Just one person who is brave enough to kiss my cheeks and hold me when I cry or to just own a place by myself where I can have that sense of something being mine. 

I want someone to belong to me ya know. I want someone to protect me and show me as much as they can that they love me. I’ve wanted that for such a long time and don’t you dare call me selfish for wanting that. don’t you fucking dare. 

You don’t know what’s like.. 

To be honest you don’t. 

I’ve moved 11 times, ELEVEN. Throughout my childhood. Even having two houses, not one of them feels like home. I have never had that security. 

Yes, I did have friends as a child but even so I still was very much left alone. I wasn’t listened to. 

I have begged, pleaded, prayed, for that security for who knows how long now and it still isn’t here. My hope is gone, my faith will slowly disappear once again and dissolve just like before. 

I have happy days and sad days and I want to be done with these sad days. 

Valentines Day, you always make me feel sad. 

If one day I like you then great but right now I’m a complete bitch and I need to get shit done. 

I FUCKING HATE YOU VALENTINES DAY 

Securely,

Zoe  

 

 

Somebody, Someone, The One

She often felt
Sad and alone
You see
Convinced
That what
She desired
Could be
Nothing
But a
Shitty pipe dream
The more people
That seemed to leave
The less and less
She would believe
Though she was created
With less trust already
She still hoped
That maybe
Somebody
Would prove her wrong
Someone
Would choose her
To be the one

My World Will Stop Spinning & That’s Just The Beginning

I don’t know what to write about 

maybe it’s lack of sleep 

I don’t know 

Today I just feel like 

whatever comes out of my mouth may sound completely wrong or offensive 

and I know I’m not really like that 

I don’t say things like that to people 

especially people who care about what I have to say 

I haven’t written a story in who knows how long 

I don’t know if I want what I wanted 

I have thought about it a bit 

but clearly not enough 

since I’m still puzzled about it 

I guess I feel like I need some sort of sign 

not quite sure what kind of sign 

I’d rather not talk and feel like I’m saying things that are wrong 

I’m done with that hurt shit and being disrespected 

I have put up with it enough 

 I do want him to stay 

I’d just like to be treated differently I guess 

I mean I spoke up and told him everything 

right after he hurt me 

I don’t like fighting, I like small arguments, that’s the only sliver of drama I like and can put up with, gossip, taking trash about people and insulting isn’t for me, I tend to avoid people like that. 

When I really admire and care about someone I stay no matter what. I’ve always been the stupid girl who stays. I had to have help to get out of my abusive relationship. I don’t leave all that easily. I don’t want to leave but if I keep bring treated like this, I just might. 

I can’t believe that he just doesn’t understand how much I care and admire him. I’ve always been here. Always. Even when I have been insulted and have had things assumed about me. I have been here. Putting him before me the entire time. How can you still not see that? 

I could never hurt him. NEVER. EVER. I am too kind and caring to ever hurt anyone on purpose. It would kill me honestly, it would, especially if I hurt him, god damn, I could never forgive myself. 

I trust him now, I do trust that he will stay, that he want’s to stay. He needs to trust me though, trust that I won’t hurt him, I’m not out to get him or chasing after him or  thinking he’s some god damn prize. I did want to be his last love, believe me I did. I just don’t know anymore. 

I can’t be with someone who hurts me all the time and who doesn’t listen. You know he reminds me a lot of the old me. I used to be act just like he did whenever someone tried to get close to me. I guess I realize now that pushing people away hurts them. I don’t think I’m going to do that anymore. 

I’d like to someday be some form of importance to him. I’d give up anything and give anything for that. To be someone who makes him happy as much as possible. It doesn’t matter to me what I am, I’d just like to be a big part of his life. Have him care about me just as much as I care about him. 

If I could give him the world, I would. I’ve always just wanted to be part of the reason he smiles. We aren’t all that different. Not in my eyes. We don’t have 100% in common but hey that’s always good right? I don’t like having 100% in common with people anyway, it just get’s boring. 

When he and I talk to each other I do feel like I’ve known him before. We have this connection that I’ve never had with anyone else. Not this close at least. He knows me so well sometimes. I feel like I just know him all the time. 

You should see what he can create. It’s seriously mind blowing. He’s an artist, like a real genuine artist. His inventions are insanely cool. He’s kind and caring too, a bit rough on the edges when he want’s to be but then again sometimes I can be like that too. He’s very wise and intelligent, honestly when I talk to him it’s so much easier then it is to talk to anyone else. He does understand. I am attracted to him, like really attracted to him, I may have only seen pictures but I feel like I have seen him before, only, I’m not sure where. Is it a good idea for me to describe to you every part of him I find attractive?  probably not, so I won’t. That would be a bit too much information to share on here.

I’m not going to say anything negative about him, I’ve already said enough about him not being able to see me and how I care and have been here, complaining about things is stupid so I’m not going to. I do not think he is an idiot for not seeing me,seeing that I’ve been here all along, that I care & admire him, I’ve been there before but I ended up seeing the guy who was there all along. I’m not going to tell that story though. 

I’m done talking about ex boyfriends. Past is past, don’t need to talk about it anymore hah. 

This week I’ll most likely be spending more time in the water. THANK GOD. I’ll be going to my favorite lake on Thursday, spend a lot of time there. Draw, listen to music, swim, probably get some ice cream. 

I have been drinking tea non stop today. I’m not joking. I have this huge mug that I got for Christmas and I’ve had two different types of tea today. So like two cups is about as much as three big tall glasses of water.. 

I’m so bored and lonely. WTF. 

Well I guess I’m going to go now before I  say something wrong. 

By ya’ll

 

 

 

The Ugly Duckling From Outer Space Makes A LEGO House

If I asked you 

“Do you think I’m beautiful?” 

what would you say?

would you say 

“Your pretty but there are other people prettier then you” ? 

would you say 

“Your alright” ? 

would you compare me to a summer day? 

or stars in the night? 

would you call me average? 

or would you say nothing at all? 

People see what they think is beautiful 

we all just see what we want 

but some of us can look past that 

for instance 

I believe everyone is beautiful in their own way 

my family never taught me that 

a lot of what I know 

I found out myself 

I’ve had negative 

and positive views on my looks

and I’ve been called fake before

but everything that anyone else has ever said to me

about my own beauty is just an opinion

and sometimes it’s a lie

 to be honest 

it takes a lot 

for my ears to believe what is said 

I’m not entirely sure why that is 

I’ve never really felt home 

anywhere 

and I’m pretty sure I’ve told you all enough 

about that 

my hearts been broken 

many times 

and 

I’m not sure if I want it to be broken again 

but that’s a risk I’m going to take 

I’ve sort of lost sight of the image of someone ever really 

loving me 

I know that’s probably not the best thing 

and I do have some hope, I never could live without hope 

even just a little bit 

nothings ever like the movies 

and nothings ever like it seems 

or how it’s suppose to be

you know 

and I can say I’m pretty 

or I’m ugly 

but your just going to 

judge me like everyone else 

or make up some illusion that I’m perfect 

when I’m just searching for a place to find home 

or a person who knows how lucky they are just to hold me and accept me for who I am 

it’s not easy being me at all

it’s been really hard 

I’ve cried a lot 

and I’ve laughed a lot 

and I’ve felt things and done things 

I never thought possible 

but somehow there is still that something missing 

there’s  that place in my heart that still hurts 

and I’m not sure if it will ever leave me 

it’s not from some dumbass who broke my heart 

its much more then that 

and believe me 

I welcome you with open arms 

but I don’t expect you to stay 

not for me 

leave when you want 

do what you want 

I’m just looking for my place 

before I have to leave it 

 

 

A Shit Poem

Are we all just sinking within the earth

never to return

deep in the dirt?

unable to speak 

of words imprinted in my mind 

hopes confront my heart 

welling up inside 

like a stomach without 

a scarp of food 

no more questions 

all just answers 

the past has gone 

but I’m not done 

shall we walk 

to and from 

time will tell

if we are better off friends 

or merely lovers 

whom shall kiss

each others lips

falling so deeply

into each other

the universe would be jealous

it’s black hole

spitting at us

time goes by so very fast

I’m glad you are no longer an ass

and I’m glad the bitch is no longer inside my very soul

I’m sure none of this makes sense

it’s just a shit poem I came up with

 

you know as well as I

that past and future

are non existent in the words we speak today

you should know   

it was the burden of the child 

that hurt me the most 

so I understand why 

you turned away 

but now you have to trust me 

I will not discuss

if’s and’s or but’s 

since we don’t know whats in store 

for us 

I beg you not to forget 

my face 

whatever is decided in that moment 

I deserve respect this time around 

no more mischief

or things will surely shift

this is my shit poem

I hope you understand it  

 

 

 

I Know It’s Today

FUCK 

FUCK 

FUCK

another break down

why?

seriously

I cannot take this anymore

I cannot act like I’m okay when I’m not

this is not okay

this hurts a lot 

it’s like he doesn’t even want to talk to me 

it’s like hes better without me 

but that can’t be the case 

can it?

how can he do this to me?

how can I let him hang onto my heart like this 

I know why but I’m not gonna say it 

if he wont say it then neither will I 

god damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just fucking shoot me why don’t you?

I have such 

a number of emotions 

happening right now

I can’t be here

I can’t fucking live

if he doesn’t like me 

I don’t want to fucking live 

but he does like me 

so why the hell would I want to die?

that’s it 

I need to do something 

hurtful to myself 

no no no 

I can’t 

fuck fuck fuck

please fucking get back here

please fucking kiss me 

I am going crazy

no I’m not

I’m just full of fucking sadness

yeah sadness

why the fuck do you do this to me?

why do you like me if you wont give me your fucking attention?

what the fuck?!!!

I’m sad

I’m angry

I’m sad

I’m angry

how much longer do I have to fucking wait? 

seriously.. 

missing you is killing me 

KILLING ME 

FUCKING KILLING ME 

and then when you talk to me 

and ignore me again 

it makes me sad

ACT LIKE YOU CARE GOD DAMN IT! 

I really shouldn’t even question if you care

because you do care

I”m not angry at you again

like that angry last time 

so don’t be surprised if I lightly slap you gently 

or bite your lip a bit hard

that is what you get for treating me like this

I certainly wouldn’t treat you like this 

nope

I never ignore you 

you know I don’t 

so why do you ignore me?

well congrats you got what you wanted

it’s just like last time 

me and you last time

type of shit 

so I’m sure once you come around 

it will be just like the start

so don’t fucking worry 

you owe me makeup sex 

or some kind of sweet gesture

I am mad at you 

madddd

your future girlfriend 

is mad at you

and she’s sad and misses you

I MISS YOU 

gosh you know 

your lucky I’m so god damn polite 

otherwise I wouldn’t have given you all this fucking time 

don’t you fucking dare talk to me tonight because of this 

don’t you fucking dare

you got me all excited and now I’m sad and angry

I might still be sad and angry tomorrow 

you never know 

but don’t fucking talk to me because you feel bad for me 

don’t you fucking dare

just talk to me when you are ready

because you are worth all of this fucking sadness and pain 

okay?

you fucking take your damn time 

take it all

be an asshole 

go ahead 

I wont mind 

if you don’t love me 

don’t fucking say it 

if you don’t like me 

leave the hell alone

but obviously 

you do like me 

so fucking talk to me 

and fucking act like you care

fucking act like it 

you want me don’t you?

what if someone try’s to snatch me up? huh?

the jealousy will drive you mad

even if you say your not jealous I know you are 

you must be 

to that you’d have no response 

I will not discuss what if 

but I could hurt myself 

and you wouldn’t be here

how would that feel?

it would kill you wouldn’t it?

the sadness would kill you

I will see you soon

you can make a note of that 

but seriously take your time

I still give a fuck 

about what you are doing 

and how you are doing 

but when I don’t that is when you need to be scared

because that is when you risk loosing me 

like last time 

when I was less then an inch 

to not giving a fuck 

that sure as hell freaked you out 

and then you asked me what you could do to make it better

I expect you to ask the same question again

you will never know when I stop giving a fuck

you wont because I will never share about it 

not on my blog 

nor on facebook 

or anywhere else

so by all means take your time 

we shall see 

I only wrote this blog post because 

I broke down and had to 

I had to 

so don’t judge me

I didn’t make any promises about it 

goodbye darlings 

goodbye blog 

I’ll be back in three days 

 

 

 

 

The Zoe, The Secrets, The Stars, The Universe & Mars

I figured it would be pretty depressing

if I left you all with a sad post for the night

so I’m going to try to make this happier

even though I still feel a bit sad

all my life

I have been in love with love

and craving affection

for a year

after a terrible break up

I gave up

but I kept trying

I would date and each time I’d think

“Oh yeah, this is the guy I have been dreaming about to spend a large amount of my life with”

yaddy yaddy yadda

NO.

I rejected some, I got rejected some.

either way I felt no connection with anyone

I could not find the most important thing

that I looked for in a relationship with a human

So I just about gave up on the last date when

I was in fact rejected and not so attracted to the guy who I thought was mr.right, but he was a big prick anyway and I had grown tired of dating heartless assholes

so I ended up walking home alone and worrying and sulking for a very long time

it might have been that night

I’m not sure

maybe the last two after

where I suddenly began to realize

I was pushing aside the affection of an innocent best friend of mine who I had never really entirely met

but I did have a huge admiration for

I started to notice who had all the right things that I had always wanted in a relationship in common

the majority of the words he spoke to me

made tears spring up in my eyes

no one had ever said such words of kindness to me

I had given up on being treated the way I had always wanted since I can remember and had learned to lived with being treated poorly

much of life was a blur

he would say things that literally touched my soul

and brought a calmness to it

unlike other man who had seen me before

he liked the way I looked in my glasses and pajamas

I had never been valued like that with anyone

they all preferred the girl with contact lenses and makeup

not him

he enjoys the regular Zoe

the Zoe that’s hair is a complete mess when she gets out of bed

the Zoe that sings in the shower

the Zoe that cannot cry in front of others for fear of making them sad

the Zoe that has naturally wavy hair

the Zoe that gets over emotional sometimes and just paints and paints and paints until the feelings are gone

the Zoe that considers herself the great daughter of Mother Nature, rather then a daughter of her two human parents

the Zoe that writes poetry in her mind before she sleeps

the Zoe that struggles and try’s and try’s so hard to help those who have passed, spirits who are lost and need the words “you are free!” to go to the other world

the Zoe who never learned to spell correctly in elementary school

the Zoe that has searched for a home far and wide

the Zoe that has often felt trapped in a body she wished was not her own

the Zoe that has been called names of all sorts but still has yet to burst into pieces

the Zoe that is nothing like her parents

the Zoe that dreams of dreams to come true

the Zoe that remembers so much detail in a memory

the Zoe that forgets holidays and birthdays besides Christmas and Halloween

the Zoe that has a blog and writes about herself and memory’s and thoughts to strangers each day

the Zoe that was never good at math but could tell you anything about life and how much she knows

the Zoe that wont talk to you first all the time because she’s still writing her blog post

the Zoe that has lost so much but has gained so much more

the Zoe that falls in love with the soul of the very person, their thoughts, their smile, their personality, everything about them

the Zoe that probably is Bi-sexual or for a better word Pan-sexual

but I wont put a label on it

the Zoe that needs to stop typing the Zoe

I used to think that I wished too much

ever since I discovered there were more ways of doing it

I would wish on 11:11

(kiss the clock)

almost every night

for someone to come into my life who would actually understand me

who would make me feel home

who would give me the love I deserve

I soon learned

11:11

wasn’t the only way

I’d wish on penny’s I found on the street

I’d throw coins in any fountain I could find

I would write on pieces of paper, kiss them with lipstick and put them under my pillow

soon, a lot of that faded

I’d grown accustomed to staying up each night

and calling to whoever they were

I could feel them

I knew that they wanted me too

I just didn’t know who they were or what they looked like

I just knew whoever they were that they were finally coming for me

even so

I’d continue to call

just looking at the sky

asking for a sign

but I’d never get one

or maybe I did I just didn’t look twice

I’d look at the moon

asking whoever was out there to just bring me this person

“please mother nature, grandpa, someone”

I actually became so sad that I started praying

I would burst into tears and get down on my knees and ask over and over again

(I know right?! me praying?! I am too close to nature to even think I had to do that but I felt I had no choice, mother nature obviously was ignoring me and her spouse was too)

I had no choice

I felt like my dream

was falling to pieces

that it wouldn’t find me in time

or I wouldn’t find it

I used to think it was my ex boyfriend calling me wanting me back

but it was nothing like that

I suddenly had the feeling that something HUGE was going to happen to me

nothing happened

for the longest time

until suddenly my ex called

“lets hang out over winter break”

“we need to talk, to figure this shit out”

“it depends”

shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit bullshit horseshit

“we are never going to be able to get back together but we can have sex”

ASSHOLE FUCK OFF

a pawn, a toy, a tool

you name it

that is what I felt like

lucky for me I told my friends about it

one in particular told me to just

“move on and forget it”

I found that humoress

considering we had only started talking again a month before

but lucky for me I was smart enough to take his advice

I wish I had noticed our connection sooner

somehow I just couldn’t let myself see the real thing

You became the man I never want to loose in two very few short minutes

I guess you know that already huh?

I felt that connection

after we talked

about our family’s

“Naive cheap fathers”

our favorite colors

“rainbow and green”

“Navy blue, orange and black”

our interests

“music, art, movies”

and the things we are afraid of

the day before our first chat

before funny faces and guitar playing

before changing behind my bed

after surgery’s

after time for you to think

after I almost went crazy not talking to you

after I fainted twice

after not enough time

after questioning when your not around

after no words coming out of your mouth

you said a lot

and you said you make no promises

you said “forever” is not in the cards

yet day by day you stay

and you wait

just as I wait

I have done nothing but challenge you over and over

telling you to leave but not meaning a thing

I don’t know if you will stay true to your word

I don’t know if you are staying because you want to or because you don’t want to hurt me or maybe both

I don’t know how much you want to stay

I don’t know if you want me that badly, that much that it would kill you if we hadn’t met

I don’t know if you want to love me like I want to love you

I don’t know if you think that I am the one

I don’t know how beautiful I am to you

I don’t know what you feel when you are around me

I don’t know what happens when you dream of me

I don’t know what kind of a future you want with me, if you want a future with me

I don’t know what words you long to whisper in my ear

I don’t know where you want to travel with me

I don’t know when we will finally be together like we want

but I hope its soon

I will tell you this honestly

but it kills me not to know those things

I wont complain or pressure you

I’m sure i’ll know in time

She Will Be Loved

I feel like there is something wrong with me.. but there can’t be? right its not me, its him? 

I mean I changed myself, he refuses to change.. I’ve had two men like that in my life and both have just left. 

 I’m going to be honest here, you really can’t expect an asshole to change. He will stay an asshole until some beautiful girl screws him over and he realizes what he lost. 

So I’d like to say FUCK YOU!  YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! (you know who you are!) because I have just encountered a very sweet guy, and there are a few others who are actually interested in me or will be. 

The new year is going to be amazing, I can feel it. 

I may not love my exe anymore but I’ve been thinking about him once and a while.. 

I don’t know why a woman like me would ever resort herself to a man who doesn’t deserve her.. why do we woman do that? is it because we honestly don’t know how amazing we are? is that it? or is it because we just don’t believe it?  we don’t believe that we can deserve a good man, a man who actually knows how to treat us? 

That must be it. 

I hate the snow. I hate feeling cold. I can’t believe I’m saying that while I live in Minnesota, haha, but yeah. There are honestly only very small points in time where I actually like it.

I have been feeling moody all day.. fuck. 

It’s like every fucking song on my iPod is connected to this stupid heavy feeling in my heart and not only that my mother is telling me I’m making a bad decision by meeting this guy for coffee who I could have known as a kid, but I’m not sure, hes just incredibly familiar. 

Then I found out the dream guy in my dreams is actually not my dream guy at all, I physically know this guy and I had a big crush on him in high school and now he comes back and we have a small ass conversation.. but since he didn’t answer its very clear that he hasn’t really changed.. at all. Another FUCK to the pile. 

I want to go to coffee, so I’m going to coffee! this guy is nice to me. So I shall go. 

I’m nervous and scared though.. 

WHY????

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE